The arrest last week of French polisher, Mr Simon C. Horn, for interfering with a client's coffee table is just the latest in a series of high profile scandals that have rocked the industry. Said Mr Horn, "I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't help myself. There was something about the heady aroma of the polish and the dusty atmosphere of the shop that I found simply intoxicating. The sight of Mrs Waverley's table just sitting there, waiting for me... the lustrous sheen of the veneer, the shapely curve of its legs... I just had to have it!"
A police spokesman assured the public that whilst this was just an isolated incident, they would be wise to take precautions when trusting their furniture to the care of strangers. "There's a lot of sick bastards out there," he said. "So try not to let your wardrobe go out unattended, and, if possible, ensure your sideboard is back indoors before 10pm." He latter added, strictly off the record, that he thought Mrs Waverley's coffee table was probably asking for it.
Aquasafe, a company based in Portsmouth, has just introduced a revolutionary new kind of nasal plug, which is designed to prevent deep sea divers from getting prawns up their nose. City analysts predict that they will be bankrupt by the end of the month.
Victory for the British DIY Olympic squad who return home with an impressive six gold medals, including the 600 metres wallpapering, the freestyle tiling and the gloss painting relay. They also managed to scrape a silver for the speed paving event. Commiserations, however, to Diana McFlurry, who slipped on a stepladder whilst measuring up some coving. Her sprained ankle means she will be not be fit in time for the Commonwealth Games later this year, in which she was hoping to be part of the formation gardening team.
There was excitement on the stock exchange yesterday when it was announced that Transglobal Mining PLC had discovered significant quantities of earwax in Mr Harry Frome of 43 Litchfield Lane, Liverpool. Stockpiles of earwax have run dangerously low over the last few years, with many of the traditional sources drying up. There has been a genuine concern that supplies would run out completely, so when test drilling revealed these new deposits there was a great sigh of relief from many within the industry. "So far we have only surveyed Mr Frome's left ear," said spokesman Willy Smalls at a press conference yesterday afternoon. "And even the most conservative of estimates indicates the presence of enough earwax to last well into the next decade. We have every confidence that further investigations of his right ear will yield similar results."
Encouraging though this news is, there is a snag. Mr Frome is one of the last surviving ironmongers in Merseyside, and as a skilled craftsman he is protected by a preservation order. This means that no one is allowed to build on him. It also rules out all forms of mining and excavation. This is bad news for Transglobal Mining, but they are currently petitioning the government to overturn the order, on the basis that such a plentiful supply of earwax is a vital resource, too important to remain untapped. They claim that by sinking two small bore holes through the top of Mr Frome's head, they can remove the earwax cleanly without causing damage to his ancient frontage. However, environmental agencies fear that this will pave the way for further exploitation of Mr Frome, including deforestation of his armpits, unsightly mucus wells and an opencast bellybutton fluff mine.