Biochemists have developed a new titanium-reinforced lettuce, which is over fifty times stronger than regular varieties. Thin veins of metal are interlaced with the leaves to provide high-tensile strength without compromising the plant's natural flexibility. This will make for hardier salads and can be used in the packed lunches of people with dangerous and high risk jobs, such as racing car drivers or stuntmen. It will also protect the crop from pests such as slugs and snails, as the reinforced leaves will wear the little bastards' teeth down.
The Royal Navy are sending their latest nuclear submarine, HMS Genocide, back to the shipyard in Humberside where it was built. "I bought it for my cousin's birthday," said Rear Admiral Sir John Hoary-Nutter, "but he's got one already, so I want to get my money back." The shipyard, however, is refusing to issue a refund, because the submarine is not being returned in its original packaging. They're offering to compromise by exchanging it for a couple of frigates, but the Navy claims this is unacceptable. "We know our rights," said the Rear Admiral. "We've got twenty-eight days to return it, that's the law. My Lieutenant once had a Saturday job at WH Smith, so we know what the score is. We want a full refund, we want it now, and if we don't get it we're going to complain to Trading Standards."
A designer of role playing games in Idaho has invented the world's first one-sided dice, especially for fatalists. No matter how many times you throw it, it always comes up with the same result in accordance with the theory that all events in the universe are predetermined. He has also developed a dice with an infinite number of sides, for those people who prefer to believe that all possible outcomes are played out amongst an infinite number of universes. Currently he is working hard to construct a purely metaphysical idea of a dice, so that God can play dice with the universe.
If you can think of any other sort of dice that our man in Idaho could invent, and you'd like to take part in stretching a rather weak and frankly disappointing joke way beyond its natural comedy threshold, then send your suggestions to:
The Man who hangs around outside the betting shop asking for spare change
Hello Sailor
Portsmouth
United Kingdom PLC (A division of IKEA)
Professor Jez Moonbeam has invented a new type of fan. Instead of simply moving air around, it creates a steady stream of completely new air. "This is the ultimate fresh air system," says Moonbeam. "Install the fan in your home or workplace and you can be confident that you are breathing clean, healthy air, which has never been breathed by anyone before. It's, like, more natural than nature itself!"
The only problem with the Moonbeam Fresh Air system is that the creation of new air will ultimately cause the atmosphere to swell, make all the clouds burst and ultimately flip the planet off its axis. Imagine that, the whole planet just spinning wildly through space. We wouldn't stand a chance, you know. I mean, really, we wouldn't stand a fucking chance! Oh my GOD! We're all going to die! For Christ's sake, someone stop this MADNESS!!! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! Someone stop this FUCKING LUNATIC. WE'RE ALL DOOOOOOOMED!
The new fan goes on sale next month.