A recent report released by the Home Office reveals a dramatic increase in the number of people being attacked by monsters. In the first quarter of 2003 police stations across the UK received over 400 reports from members of the public who had been set upon by giant slavering beasties. That's 120 more than in the same period the previous year. What's more, it seems that the monsters themselves are becoming more fearsome, on average being two feet taller, with much sharper teeth, shaggier fur and even more bloodshot eyes. Add to this the recent high profile outbreak of Trolls in the South East, plus an ongoing epidemic of Werewolves in Lancashire, and it becomes obvious that there is now a real cause for concern. In fact, experts predict that by the year 2010 the UK will be a 60% scarier place to live in.
Dr Gaseous Ballcock of the Huddersfield Academy of Performing Seals claims to have developed what he calls the world's first 'perfect circle'. This, he explains is a circle in which the ratio of the diameter to the circumference can be expressed as a whole number. "I wanted to invent a circle in which you could simply multiply the diameter by four in order to find the circumference," Dr Ballcock explained. "This does away with all that nasty 'pi' business, which I could never really get a handle on anyway. I don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but I think my circle is a vast improvement over the old model."
Dr Ballcock kicked off his career in experimental geometry with an ambitious attempt to flatten triangles to make them more user-friendly, an endeavour in which he failed spectacularly. Undeterred, he later enjoyed some success with a project to round off hexagons, and was a valuable member of the international team put together to stretch dodecahedrons. His new work on circles will have profound repercussions in a number of important areas, most notably engineering, rocketry and plumbing. But Dr Ballcock himself is far more excited about a quite different application. "It's going to completely change the way we look at doughnuts," he told us animatedly. "They're going to be bigger, fatter and have more jam in them. Personally, I can't wait."
Plans are afoot to rejuvenate the parched grasslands of central Kenya by moving the entire country slightly to the left, so that it's in the shade.
Congratulations to Helen Dampney-Collier, who won a well deserved gold medal last week at this year's International Drowning Championships in New Zealand. She has become the first professional British drowner to win the event since 1974, romping to victory with a personal best of 10.4 seconds. Her funeral will take place this Tuesday.
Currently, one of the fastest growing religious cults in the western hemisphere is the Church of the Seventh Day Vacationists, whose liberal ideas have proven to be most popular with many young believers. Chief amongst their teachings is the belief that God didn't create the heavens and the Earth in seven days; he contracted the whole project out to a third party, then went snowboarding. It therefore follows that every day of the week is a Sabbath, and an increasing number of converts are now claiming that they have to take the whole week off on religious grounds. The cult also believe that Jesus went windsurfing at the weekends, and on the basis of this they are demanding that members of their church be given discounts on wetsuits.