The good people of the village of Guacamole in Mexico have once again made it into the record books after constructing the biggest pair of maracas in the world. The massive instruments stand over twenty-five feet high and require a team of forty men to lift each one. The villagers plan to give them their inaugural shake at a special ceremony later this year, and some casualties are expected.
This is not the first time the villagers have done something like this. In 1989 they constructed a giant tambourine, which saw active service for over ten years before being retired and converted into a swimming pool. Next year they plan to start work on a set of really big castanets, and have no doubt received much encouragement after being nominated for the prestigious Nobel Prize for Pointlessly Large Percussion Instruments.
Mrs Glenda Trent from Lancashire used to be a huge fan of David Bowie, but all that came to end three years ago when she developed a severe case of Bowiephobia. Now, much to her dismay, she cannot bear to come into contact with her great hero. Listening to his music brings on debilitating panic attacks, and if she should be unfortunate enough to glimpse him on TV she will inevitably break out into a rash. It's heartbreaking for Mrs Trent, who has been forced to sell off her massive collection of Bowie records and memorabilia. Doctors are baffled by the condition, although there has been one suggestion that it's actually caused by a virus, something similar to the equally distressing Jaggeritis that has recently cut down many Stones fans in their prime. For Mrs Trent life continues to be intolerable. She recently had to be hospitalised after inadvertently brushing past a copy of Aladdin Sane in her local branch of Woolworth's, and the incident subsequently came to the attention of Mr Bowie himself. He very kindly sent her a get well soon card, a magnanimous gesture which sadly sent Mrs Trent into a coma as soon as she opened it.
The RAF have recently stopped using sticky tape to stop pilots falling out of their planes, ending a tradition that stretches back over forty years. Prior to 1962 the Royal Air Force found that it was mysteriously losing many of its aircrews. Planes would return to their airfields completely empty, and military boffins were simply unable to account for the disappearances. After lengthy investigation it was discovered that pilots and navigators were simply falling out of their cockpits as they performed complex loop-the-loop manoeuvres, and so it was decided to stick them to their seats using adhesive tapes such as Scotch Tape and military grade Sellotape. However, the Ministry of Defence has recently decided that it must abandon such archaic technology if it wants to maintain a credible military strike force. In the future air chiefs plan to use Blu-tack instead.
Once again, it's the time of year when the young men of the tiny German village of Kroffenweiztshirtzelcropperhof are traditionally called upon to demonstrate their poetry skills. This ancient and traditional custom is at least five hundred years old, although its exact origins are shrouded in the mists of time. Tradition has it that the village was once visited by a hag from the neighbouring town of Frupp, who was given a dodgy meat pie at the local inn. In retribution, she placed a curse upon the settlement, sealing it within a thick and foul-smelling fog. Traditionally, it is said that this curse can only ever be lifted when someone composes a suitably splendid poem, extolling the true virtues and traditions of the village, and successfully finding a rhyme for its name. And so, every April, local wordsmiths traditionally do bloody battle with stanza and verse, and of these many hopefuls only one is selected to represent the village. According to tradition, this literary champion then travels the treacherous six miles to Frupp - originally on foot, but latterly by minibus. According to tradition he then reads his poem to the duly elected traditional poem-listener, who then - according to tradition - declares it crap and traditionally orders the unwary traditional poet to be traditionally stoned to traditional death.