Latest research indicates that poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick can make you seriously blind. "It's early days yet," says Dr Sir Grapefruitdangler Pondfiddle Trebuchet-Sausage III, "but our work so far certainly reveals a tentative connection between what we scientist types refer to as 'stick pokage' and total loss of vision." It is to be hoped that the ultimate benefit of this project will be some sort of protective eyeshutter, possibly made out of titanium or a similar durable metal, which can be employed to guard the eyeball against pokey things.
Mr Aloysius Tackle! has built a three mile long snooker cue so that he can play a couple of frames down at his local club, without having the leave the comfort of his own home. Well done Mr Aloysius Tackle!
Customers who bought Nintedy Gamestations this Christmas are being asked to return them to their place of purchase. A production problem has led to a number of accidents in which people have been seriously injured, or in several cases even killed by the faulty machines. A spokesman for the electronics giant has been keen to play down the incidents. "It's really only a precaution," he told us. "Yes, a small number of people have been horribly burned, and some have been scarred for life. It appears that, in a small number of machines, the laser that reads the discs has been set to 'kill' instead of 'stun'. We're now replacing the faulty machines, and we apologise to anyone who has been inconvenienced by having their relatives incinerated."
It's a sad fact that property prices in most of England's more picturesque villages have shot up to such a degree that many of the local inhabitants can no longer afford to live there. The problem is that in many places within easy reach of the city, houses are being bought up by commuters, whilst the native populace are slowly being priced out of their own homes. The problem is particularly severe in the tiny community of Wendlefordville, which has seen a steady influx of squirrels from the nearby city of Manhamptonpool. Many of the locals are not happy.
"It's a disgrace," says village resident Mrs Rita Filth. "These little rat-faced bastards are coming here, with their flash city ways and their bushy executive tails and buying up all the best property. Meantime, the only way our young folk can get their feet on the property ladder is to move into some hovel in the city. Poor bastards. Something ought to be done about these filthy rodents. Most of them only ever use their houses at weekends, anyway. The rest of the time they're just used for storing nuts."
However, not everyone shares Mrs Filth's views. Former resident Colin Smugly has quite a different opinion. "Well I lived in Wendlefordville for over twenty years," he told us. "And it's a bog hole. Full of inbreds and retards. So when the opportunity came, I sold up, made a packet and now I live up a tree in the city. It may not look like much, but trust me, I'm seriously loaded and I've got all the nuts I can eat."