The next meeting of the Wolverhampton Flower Group will take place on Tuesday 19th. The event is an opportunity for daffodils, chrysanthemums and tulips from all over the region to get together, air their grievances and discuss matters of local interest. In a rare departure from established procedure, representatives from the West Midlands Fruit and Vegetable Association will be present, and it is expected that the tricky problem of greenfly will feature high on the agenda, along with similar issues of mutual concern.
There's a rumour doing the rounds that the classic sci-fi movie, Planet of the Apes, was based on actual events. However, in the real life story, it wasn't an astronaut who got catapulted thousands of years into the future, but a retired chemistry teacher from Belfast. And, significantly, he didn't find the world overrun with intelligent apes who had enslaved mankind and fashioned a society in their own image, just a baboon working on the pick 'n' mix counter in Woolworth's.
Dr Peter Mandible and Dr Paul Carapace are both senior lecturers at Warwick University. Dr Peter can't stand peanut butter, in fact the very thought of it makes him heave. Dr Paul, on the other hand, can't get enough of the stuff, and will happily eat it morning, noon and night. This has long been a bone of contention between the two, and Dr Peter recently upped the ante by embarking on a programme of research in which he conclusively proved that peanut butter was a mathematical impossibility, and therefore could not exist. Dr Paul, however, took up a parallel line of enquiry and as a result of his efforts was able to demonstrate, conclusively, that not only does peanut butter exist, but it is actually one of the fundamental building blocks of the universe.
This is puzzling. Very puzzling. Step forward Professor Mary Feeler, who believes that these mutually exclusive findings demonstrate quite clearly that there is no such thing as an objective reality, and that the universe is ultimately shaped by the perceptions of the observer. But then, she would say that - 'cos she prefers chocolate spread.
This just in: the latest in a spate of pie explosions has been reported in Leicester. At least seven people are suffering from serious crust burns. Half the city is covered in steak and kidney. Environmental experts say the cleanup operation could take weeks. Unconfirmed reports say that the Cheese and Onion Liberation Front have claimed responsibility. More news as we get it.
Doctors at a Middlesex hospital have recently identified an increasingly common complaint, which they have named 'Scottish Tinnitus'. It is characterised by a persistent background noise of wailing bagpipes, and is usually heard in busy shopping centres on a Saturday afternoon. There is currently no effective treatment for this devastating condition, which is a great pity as it is a particularly nasty complaint - for although it shares many of the same causes and symptoms of regular tinnitus, it's at least ten times as bloody annoying.