An amateur inventor in Bolton has come up with a device that he believes will revolutionise the lives of millions of office workers all around the world. Gavin Trout has taken the principal of potato printing to the next level by coming up with the 'chip-writer'. The machine works in much the same way as a traditional typewriter, except that it utilises a series of deep-fried potato chips, each embossed with a different letter or character. Trout claims that the chip-writer can produce attractive, typewritten documents in a choice of green, orange or brown - thanks to special ribbons impregnated with mushy peas, baked beans or curry sauce. He also working on a photocopier based on potato waffles.
It has recently come to light that the Alps are badly in need of repair, and controversy is currently raging about who is going to foot the bill. The much-loved European mountain range was constructed over 500 million years ago, and came with a lifetime guarantee. However, the company that built it went into liquidation in 1977, and after many years of erosion, climbing and skiing, the range urgently needs re-pointing. Its current owner, Mr Ferdinand Ingersol of Bern, has appealed to the European Union for a grant to carry out the repairs, but if his application is not successful he will be forced to sell the mountain range to Disney, who plan to tear it down and replace it with a fully-heated fibreglass replica.
Our commiserations to Mr Alex Pollard of Shrewsbury, who has failed to prevent his local council from demolishing his wife in order to build a new flyover. Mr Pollard first became aware of the council's intentions three years ago, and began a lengthy legal battle to prevent the demolition order being carried out. He has, during that time, persuaded the council to consider a number of alternative routes, the most feasible of which would have involved flattening Mrs Hewson at number forty-two, or blasting a tunnel through the woman who works at the launderette. However, both these women have been declared areas of natural beauty and are therefore considered off-limits for development. As a last-ditch attempt to save his wife, Mr Pollard has attempted to claim that she is a site of historical significance, but in a recent hearing he failed to convince the board of English Heritage that she was the scene of one of the most significant battles of the Civil War. Work on the long-delayed flyover is now set to recommence, and Mrs Pollard is scheduled to be blown up next Wednesday.
Mr Pollard is, understandably, most distressed by this news, and believes there is more to this decision than meets the eye. Ten years ago, whilst swimming in the sea during a holiday in Bournemouth, his mother was identified as a danger to shipping and scuttled by the Royal Navy. Mr Pollard believes, perhaps not unreasonably, that he is the victim of a plot and has warned other members of his family to be especially vigilant.
Farmers are calling for stricter laws after an increase in the number of illegal raves being held on farmland in Southern England. "The police don't seem to want to do anything about it," said landowner Dick Silage. "They don't seem to realise the damage it does. There's loud music going on till the early hours of the morning - me and the wife can't get a wink of sleep, so God knows what effect it's having on the livestock. Well I can't have my cows jigging about till dawn and popping 'E's every five minutes, now can I. And the sheep just haven't got the constitution for that kind of lifestyle. It has hit my egg production really hard - the hens can't be bothered to lay, 'cause they're up partying all night."
Chief Inspector Dan Pancake defended the police force's position and claimed that they were doing everything in their power to track down the organisers. "We believe it's a gang of pigs from the city," he said. "We can't say very much at the moment, but we're following up a number of promising leads, and we're currently interviewing Mixmaster Porky Slicktrotter about his role in a spate of raves in Oxfordshire."
When 68 year old Bert Eggs retires from his post as Chief Chip-eater, the city of Wrexham is going to find it's got a bit of a problem on its hands. There has been a chip-eater in Wrexham for the last three hundred years - indeed, the position has been in Bert's family for the last five generations. Without his efforts, and those of his predecessors, Wrexham's chip population would have spiralled out of control, and the city would have been inundated by chips long ago. Since he first took over from his father in 1955, Bert has ventured out each morning, come rain or come shine, with his knife and fork in hand, keeping the streets chip-free for normal folk. But age and ulcers have finally caught up with Bert, and when he finally turns in his salt and vinegar next month there will be no one to take over from him. He has no offspring to carry on the family tradition, and despite advertising the position heavily, Wrexham City Council have still been unable to find a replacement.
"I can't understand it," said councillor Martin Stamford. "We're offering a very attractive package, including a healthy bread and butter allowance, plus double gravy for Bank Holidays. It really is a lifetime opportunity for the right candidate. Ideally we're looking for a fat bastard with a heart condition, but at this stage we're willing to consider anybody."