Pixies! We all know that the little bastards get everywhere. Once they're in your home they can cause havoc, gnawing through electrical cables, clogging up vacuum cleaners and interfering with household pets. For many years now, people have tried all sorts of methods for dealing with pixie infestation, but the problem is that no one has successfully identified how they are able to gain entry into your home. Traditional wisdom has it that they get in down the chimney, but more recent theories have centred around the possibility of them crawling up through the plug hole in the bath. However, Derek Cushion, Professor of Elves and Other Faerie Folk at Tweedledum University, has recently discovered that they are able to infiltrate most places of residence by limboing under doors. To counter this problem, Cushion has come up with an ingenious new 'Pixie Guard' which can be fitted quite easily to the bottom of any door, and he is confident that his invention will keep the little sods out once and for all.
Christian Pyle is suing Leicester Health Authority, organisers of a ten mile Fun Run, under the Trades Description Act. "I know it was for charity," says Pyle, "and I'm always keen to help out a good cause. But on this occasion I feel I was seriously misled. Oh, I can't fault them on the running. There was plenty of running all right - ten bleeding miles of it. In fact, if I'm perfectly honest, I think there was a bit too much running. But the thing is, when I was first invited to take part in this Fun Run, I was under the impression that the element of 'fun' would not be entirely overlooked. In fact, the title kind of implies it would share an equal billing with the running. Well, after ten miles I was gasping for breath, sweating like a pig and I felt like I was about to drop dead any minute. In short, I wasn't having the kind of fun that I felt I should be having."
Mr Pyle is concerned that other entrants may also be led astray, and so he is taking this action in order to force the Health Authority to rename the event in future. "I just want them to be a bit more honest," he says. "Rather than calling it a 'Fun Run' why not call it an 'Agonising Jog' or a 'Suicidal Dash'? That way, people will know what they're letting themselves in for."
The 14th of next month sees the first National Give-Us-A-Break Day, which means that for twenty-four hours every braindead, chip-munching retard, every fly-blown, soap-dodging fuckwit, every gormless moron, Neanderthal arsewipe, lumpen oaf and degenerate, tracksuit-wearing, louse-infested, shit-brained prick will be required to leave me alone. So, that's next month then, hopefully.
The latest attempt to unlock the hidden energy that is trapped in the world about us is the Ronco Detangulator. This ingenious device taps into the energy that is present in tangled wires. By slowly and systematically untangulating all manner of cables, leads and wires, the Detangulator can release the tangulation potential and convert it into useful energy which can then be used for running hairdryers or frying chips. Ronco are currently working on a larger version for hose pipes.
Entrepreneur Ryan Lockheart has recently been presented with a special award by the CBI for his innovative new enterprise. Lockheart's Emergency Kebabs has been operating for eighteen months now, mainly in the Essex region, providing much needed kebabs for people stranded at crap wedding receptions, christenings and other functions.
"I know only too well the sheer misery of attending some God-awful family do," Lockheart explains. "Weddings, christenings, birthdays - too many people squeezed into some grimy yellow function room, in some country pub at the arse-end of nowhere. The disco's too loud, the beer's too warm, the people are irritating and there's nowhere you can escape to. The only thing you've got to look forward to is the buffet, but ninety-nine percent of the time it turns out to be nothing more substantial than a few curly sandwiches, some shrivelled-up sausages impaled on cocktail sticks and a series of unidentifiable pastry things filled with some variety of seafood. It's at this point, as you look at this pathetic excuse for sustenance, that you realise what you really need is a kebab."
And that's where Lockheart's company comes in. One call to the 'Kebab Hotline' and a greasy doner or spicy shish can be biked over to you in a matter of minutes. The scheme has been remarkably successful, but it's not been without its problems.
"Many of our customers are desperate people," Lockheart explains. "By the time they call us they may have already spent three or four hours listening to inane family gossip, and for some there is nothing they won't do in order to escape. A lot of them try to bribe our couriers to help them get away, or even use his arrival as a diversionary tactic. Just last week, at a wedding reception in Harlow, one of our guys was threatened with a cocktail stick and forced to exchange clothes with his attacker. The attacker was able to escape in disguise, whilst our man was stranded there for the rest of the night and forced to perform the hokey-cokey with some elderly aunt. He's never been the same since."