"How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?" So sang Bob Dylan in his classic 60s anthem Blowin' in the Wind. Well apparently the answer is five. Next question...
A soon-to-be-released report suggests that Karate can make you blind. The report also names Judo as a major cause of deafness, and reveals that prolonged exposure to Ju-Jitsu can cause uncontrolled defecation. It has long been suspected that excessive Aikido can cause ulcers, and now most doctors are aware that Tae Kwon Do is a major contributing factor in cases of premature baldness. However, there is still no firm evidence that Kung Fu makes you fart.
This year's Kitchen Appliance Olympics once again pushed forward the barriers of food preparation technology, wowing the crowds and smashing some long-standing performance records. Kevin McClusky was on fine form and managed to set a new world record for omelette preparation with the help of the modified Pifco Whiskomatic 500. There were also exciting scenes on the slicing and dicing front, with new standards being set by Kenwood's Mark III Cubivator, which has been specially redesigned for this event. Nevertheless, honourable mention must go to the runner up, Strumpet Industries' Vegomatic, which also put in a fine performance.
But the competition was not without its setbacks. Our sympathies go out to the unfortunate marshal who lost a finger to the MagiChop Sawmaster Deluxe when it careered out of control during the speed carving event. And, as you may have already heard, there was much concern during the closing ceremony when a Doughman's Computer Controlled Automated BreadBuddy exploded and covered everyone in the immediate vicinity with burning toast.
Many readers will no doubt have heard of the famous 'face' on Mars - a geographical anomaly which appears, in certain images, to resemble human features. It has been quite comprehensively dismissed as an optical illusion, a fluke of geography or a trick of the light. Nevertheless, there is now fresh support for the theory that the face is an artificial structure, following the publication of a photograph which purports to show an elbow on the surface of Venus.
"This is a fantastic discovery," says Clinton Fruit, president of the snappily titled West Bromwich Society Against the Suppression of Anomalous Planetary Artefacts by NASA (WBSASAPAN) . For many years now WBSASAPAN - of which Fruit is the only member - has been campaigning for the release of vital information which he claims will prove that we are not alone in the universe. "There's a great deal that NASA is not telling us," he says. "They have managed to survey the planets of our solar system in great detail, but there is so much they're keeping from us. We want to see the pictures of the knee on Saturn, or the nose on Jupiter, or even the big toe on Neptune. NASA deny everything, of course. I keep writing to demand that they release these images of various body parts, but all I ever get from them is bollocks. Still, I suppose it's a start."