Or, to put it another way, Alien Space Piss. This is the phrase coined by Mr Gordon Stain to describe the near constant downpour that afflicts a three foot square patch of the back garden of his house in Hadleigh, Essex. Mr Stain is thoroughly convinced that his garden is being used as a cosmic sewage dump by passing interstellar spacecraft. He says that he has so far managed to identify seven distinct varieties of urine, which he claims is evidence that our planet is being visited by more than one species of alien. He has also revealed that he is in possession of an intergalactic turd, which he collected from his lawn when it was still fresh one morning in early October. Investigators who have recently had the opportunity to examine his so-called 'space stool' have identified it as an ordinary dog turd, sprayed green. However, they have been unable to explain why it appears to be highly radioactive, and they have warned the people of Essex to be on the lookout for a dog that glows in the dark.
Studies have revealed that cows have near perfect comic timing, but they rarely ever perform stand-up.
Artist Damien Spank is seeking a grant to brick up all the doors and windows of his house and fill it with soup. "Not tomato soup, obviously," Damien says. "That would be vulgar." Last year his partially successful attempt to fill a minibus with spaghetti met with a mixed response.
Scientists conducting special experimental discos have concluded that drum and bass music is rubbish. The discos took place under strict laboratory conditions and all the attendees were sterilised to avoid contamination. However, despite the introduction of copious amounts of alcohol, none of the experimenters managed to get off with anybody. They are currently attempting to devise new forms of music based on more effective combinations of musical instruments. Piano and banjo music has already proved to be something a letdown. The trumpet and xylophone pairing showed promise at first, but ultimately failed. Meanwhile, against all expectations, penny whistle and maracas tunes have been going down a storm at carefully monitored raves in Ibiza.
The traditional medieval castle is regarded as the ultimate stronghold, protected by deep moats and thick walls. Until recently it was thought that the only effective way for an invader to take such a fortress would be to lay siege to it; to literally starve the enemy out into the open. But now historian Dylan Chokice has cast doubt on this belief by pointing out a flaw common to most of the castles of this era - one which he says was exploited by invading armies on more than one occasion. Having conducted an extensive tour of Europe's surviving castles, Mr Chokice has noted that whilst they all have many impressive and daunting defensive features, in almost every case the main entrance is only protected by a turnstile. By paying a nominal fee to a man in a ticket booth, invading troops would have been able to gain access to the castle grounds completely unhindered. Sometimes they were even given a map. This has totally changed our view of history. When once we might have imagined vast armies camped outside castle walls for months - sometimes years - at a time, we now have a more accurate picture of small bands of elite tourists entering the castle on a single family saver ticket, enjoying a brief visit to the petting zoo then taking the giftshop by force and holding it until reinforcements arrived.