Technically speaking, is the strawberry a fruit or an animal? The question has perplexed scientists for years, but it looks like we may soon have an answer at last. Undergraduates in Edinburgh have been conducting a number of experiments, including tempting them with bits of cheese, interrogating them harshly and giving them money so that they can go out shopping. According to accepted theories of biology, if the strawberries show no response to any of these tests it will be safe to assume that they are fruits. So far the team is unwilling to draw any conclusions, but the results are being eagerly anticipated, not least because of the possible repercussions for raspberries and pomegranates.
There are concerns for the future of Canterbury Cathedral after recent survey work revealed that its foundations are undermining surrounding buildings. The Cathedral, which has been growing at an average rate of six inches a year since it was first built in the twelfth century, is now well over three miles high and presents a constant danger of collision to local air traffic. However, there are now worries about it's ever-growing root system, which underpins most of the city and threatens to cause widespread upheaval. Local residents are demanding that something be done and so plans are now afoot to uproot the cathedral and transplant it to Ashford, where it will become someone else's problem.
Sub-atomic researchers in Bern have discovered the smallest known particle in the Universe. It is over a hundred times smaller than a quark and answers to the name of Clive. They're taking it to the pictures next Wednesday.
Gary Bracey offers cosmetic surgery at a fraction of the cost of normal clinics. Bracey, a former panel beater from Manchester, is able to offer this extraordinary service by dispensing with traditional 'frills' such as luxury outpatient suites, extensive counselling and anaesthetic. Nevertheless, Bracey's tried and tested 'mallet and spanner' approach is guaranteed to get results. "Trust me," says Bracey. "Once I've finished with you, even your own mother won't recognise you."
The latest security craze from the West Coast is nailing your property to a wall, or similarly sturdy piece of architecture. Don McCabe, vice president with security professionals Nail-It is confident that the technique will soon catch on in other parts of the world. "Theft is on the increase and naturally people are becoming more and more concerned about the safety of their valuables. Most burglars are not deterred by expensive wall safes or complicated alarm systems. But anyone who breaks into your home and sees your most prized possessions nailed to a wall is bound to think twice."
The system is cheap, effective and easy to install. Nail-It provide the hammer, a quantity of high tensile nails and clear, concise instructions on the best way to nail up that expensive jewellery, audio-visual equipment or antique furniture. Alternatively, they can send trained nailing professionals around to your home to do it for you. And for those requiring extra-security, gluing, riveting and welding are also options.
"So far," says McCabe, "our customers have been very pleased with the service we offer. And recently we branched out into a whole new area. One local businessman, whose identity we have been asked to keep secret, approached us recently after learning that his family had been targeted by a kidnapping gang. We were on the scene straight away and stapled his kids to the floor. Rest assured, those little fellas aren't going anywhere."
Clyde Barrow, 46, claims that he can eat baked beans without first opening the tin. He has performed this feat in front of spellbound audiences at fetes and shows across his native Lancashire, and as yet none of his critics has been able to deduce how the trick is done. Nevertheless, all is not well with Mr Barrow, who now finds himself banned from all but one of his local supermarkets, following a spate of unaccountable bean thefts. No evidence has been forthcoming to place Mr Barrow at the scene of these crimes, but the fact that so many empty bean tins have been found, with no sign of forced entry, means that there is enough circumstantial evidence to make him the number one suspect.
We are reminded of a similar case from a few years back in which 35 year old Brian Clinton of Barrow-in-Furness claimed he was able to open tins without eating baked beans. Needless to say, this somewhat less than remarkable talent did not immediately catapult him to fame and fortune.