In response to the rise in instances of violent crime, the Home Secretary has recently announced that Police Forces in England and Wales will be given new powers to deal with potential trouble makers. Under the new proposals, police officers will be equipped with X-ray vision, superhuman strength and amazing powers of telepathic mind control. Rumours that they will be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound have so far remained unconfirmed. In Scotland many policeman already have the ability to turn themselves into human dynamos and deliver paralysing bolts of electricity that can stun up to a distance of twenty-five yards. At present these measures have been taken on an experimental basis, but if the scheme proves successful we could soon see officers with the ability to transform into huge green lizard men, like those in America. Although this move has been greeted favourably in most quarters, there is a sizeable minority who believe that such measures are unnecessary, claiming that the traditional police truncheon is more than adequate for dealing with the majority of incidents.
British industry received another boost when aviation giant Airfix recently announced a four billion pound contract to supply military fighter jets to the tiny island state of Joboba. Although they have been a leading player in the aircraft industry for many years, Airfix have only limited experience in building full sized aeroplanes. Nevertheless, their new aircraft - the 'UHU-1' - is set to turn the industry on its head by introducing a host of new innovations. It will be the first fighter aircraft to be delivered in kit form, coming in a number of snap-together sections which are fixed with strong adhesive. Each plane is packaged in its own cardboard box with easy to follow, step by step instructions, and comes with a range of easy to apply decals and insignias.
Flight Lieutenant Guiovanni Gregoryov of the Joboba National Air Force is delighted with initial deliveries of the aircraft, claiming that the colourfully illustrated instruction leaflet makes the plane a joy to put together.
"I particularly enjoyed painting the little man inside the cockpit," Guiovanni told us. "I've given him a nice green flight suit and a smiley pink face."
This is just the first phase in modernising Joboba's military forces, and Airfix are not the only British company due to benefit from the programme. Last month the Joboban Army placed an order with furniture giant MFI, and will soon take delivery of over four thousand flat-pack missile launchers.
The Guinness Book of Records has confirmed that Mr Harold Pogley of Warminster has the largest organ in the UK, exceeding the previous record by four inches.
"It is quite a whopper," he admits. "I used to play with it quite a lot when I was younger. I never thought that there was anything special about it at the time, but when my girlfriend saw it recently she was quite taken aback. She told me that it could be a record breaker."
Mr Pogley was initially very uncomfortable with the interest in his massive organ.
"At first I found it extremely embarrassing when total strangers came knocking on my door, asking to see my organ," he told us. "But I soon adjusted to my new found fame. Nowadays I'm not the least bit self-conscious when I present it in public. I'm often called upon to display it at our local junior school where I invite the children to touch it."
Readers will have a chance to see and hear Mr Pogley's extraordinary organ for themselves when he begins a national concert tour next month. He has promised that it will be a treat for all fans of organ music, and he plans to play many old favourites.
"I also have a big cock," says Mr Pogley.
Legendary hoofer Betty Pallas died tragically yesterday when she was mown down by the chorus line during a matinee performance of her new show on Broadway. Pallas, who was a hundred and six this year, first started dancing professionally at the age of seven, and once famously claimed that she would dance until she dropped. According to eyewitness reports, the chorus line that killed her had been careering wildly out of control for some minutes before it broke loose and charged across the stage, trampling scenery, props and - ultimately - the redoubtable Ms Pallas herself. Although it may be some months before the official report emerges, many feel that the initial blame lies with director Bud Tacco.
"He was totally irresponsible," said one anonymous crew member. "He was ordering people about with wild abandon; didn't heed the people telling him to slow down. He was like a man possessed, and he didn't seem to give a damn about safety. He hadn't even issued the regulation hard-hats. Personally, I think he was drunk."
If this was indeed the case, Tacco could find himself in a lot of trouble. In New York, the penalties for being drunk in charge of a chorus line are notoriously severe.
Hot on the heels of Tomb Raider and Final Fantasy, the latest video game to get the movie treatment is the cult classic, Pong. The game, credited as being the first commercially available video game, involves knocking a small dot back and forth between two opposing blocks. The question is, can such an apparently meagre premise be able to support a major motion picture release? Producer Jack Foley thinks it can.
"Hey!" he told us with some considerable feeling, and even more considerable volume, "we're not doing Charles Shakespeare here! All that 'Wuthering Heights' stuff was all very well in 1342, or whenever, but these days people want spectacle. Wanna know why people don't go to see movies from a hundred years ago? Wanna know why films from the middle ages ain't packing the theatres? 'Cause they're yesterday, that's why. Wanna see minstrels and shit, and people in tights? Go rent a video. Wanna see some upper class limey butlers and painted backdrops in black and white? Go get cable, baby. People want now. They want here. They want big movies, big stars, big budgets and big explosions."
And does he really think Pong can provide all this?
"Sure it can!" Foley enthuses. "The beauty of Pong is in its simplicity. It's a battle of wills between the two main leads. Block against block. It's the eternal struggle."
So, who does Foley want to play the lead block, a pivotal role requiring strong yet subtle characterisation?
He looks thoughtful for a moment, then leans forward confidentially and says, "If we can't get Nick Cage, I'm seriously considering that guy who played the neighbour in Married With Children."
Farmer, Richard Croft has invented the world's first stealth tractor. We went along to his farm in Lincolnshire to ask him exactly what his stealth tractor was.
"Ah now," he tells us. "You see, what I've done, is I've taken the technology from the American Stealth Bomber - the ability to present a negligible radar signature - and built it into a tractor. Stealth Tractor, you see. It's kind of implicit in the title. You townies aren't too bright, are you?"
Mr Croft's tractor seems to have many drawbacks. The heavy, radar-reflective shielding has made the tractor cumbersome and inefficient, and the unique design of the vehicle has made it impossible to attach a plough or any other kind of machinery. This rather begs the question of just what possible advantages the tractor could have?
"You clearly have some warped ideas about country life," Croft tells us with a sneer. "Any farmer will tell you exactly what a stealth tractor is for - it can be used to sneak up on cows. You can get in really close without showing up on their radar. And then - POW! You let 'em have it ... Why, what did you think I was going to do with it - bomb Iraq? Right, now get off my land..."