Flame-o-matic, a company in Canada, is currently carrying out radical new research into fire and hopes to make some exciting announcements in the near future. "I can't say too much about it at the moment," said spokesperson Denise Flambé, "but let's just say that we will be bringing a whole new type of fire to the market. A fire for the twenty-first century. A fire for the 'now' generation'."
Fire was one of mankind's very first technological achievements and played a huge part in his early development. Even today it can still be found in some parts of the Third World. However, in the West is has now been largely superseded by hydroponics. But if Flame-o-matic gets its way, fire will once more become part of our everyday lives.
"Nobody is quite sure who invented fire as the original patent has been lost," Denise explained. "Which means that we're pretty much able to do what the hell we like with it. We've looked at the possibility of miniaturising it, or linking it to some sort of satellite navigation system. But nothing has really been decided yet. The only thing that everyone is currently agreed on is that in order to appeal to our target audience, we're going to have to change the colour."
The EEC is set to impose a complete ban on the sale of crabsticks, a move that has been welcomed by Julian Trott, head of the pressure group, Crabs Against the World. "It's high time that this barbaric and inhuman practice was stopped," he told us. "Not many people realise just how traumatic it can be for a young crab. Crab fisherman haul them to the surface, rip their sticks off them and then callously toss the poor animals back into the brine. Quite apart from the sheer physical shock for the crustacean, a stickless crab is quite incapable of defending itself against, say, a lobster with a rock, or a bunch of prawns with sharpened fish bones."
A similar attempt to ban the sale of pork scratchings has met with more resistance. One farmer, Mr Christian Pyle, has been most vocal in his opposition to the proposed ban. "Well, I think it's bloody stupid," he said. "I mean, where's the harm in it? None, as far as I can see. Let me tell you, down on my farm in Sussex I've got some extremely itchy pigs, and they love it."
Our best wishes to Buzzy McBumble from Johannesburg, South Africa. Last weekend, Buzzy became the first bee to have a beard made entirely of humans.
Thirteen-year-old Harry Kemp has never taken a bath in his whole life. Neither has he taken a shower or experienced the joys of a wet face cloth or a damp sponge. This is because Harry suffers from an extremely rare and potentially fatal condition - he is soluble in water.
Whilst an inability to bathe may not necessarily perturb the average teenage boy, Harry's condition has affected him in other ways. He is, for example, unable to do many of the things that lads of his age take for granted. Swimming is definitely out. And because he is unable to take showers, he is excused games at school and has to stay behind in the changing rooms with the fat lads who have forgotten their kit. Food and drink is also a problem for young Harry. A particularly juicy apple could, in principle, dissolve most of his face, and a glass of lemonade could literally eat him away from the inside.
There is very little hope for Harry, as the medical profession has no real practical experience of his problem. In fact, there is only one other case on record, and that ended in tragedy. In 1983, fellow sufferer Barry Hickman was out walking his dog when he was caught in a rainstorm. He tried to run for cover, but it was too late. To this day, his parents still keep him on the sideboard in a large plastic bucket.
Real life simulators have always made popular computer games, enabling us fly planes, drive trains, build cities or even create life from the comfort of our homes. And as time goes by we see them becoming increasingly complex, modelling the real world in greater and greater detail. Today it is possible for us to exchange our own mundane and humdrum lives for the mundane and humdrum lives of badly animated virtual characters on a PC screen.
Television has not been slow to catch on to this development, and one of the most popular TV programmes at the moment is The Sim Show - a 'reality' TV show in which we watch as half a dozen members of the public sit and play with a variety of top selling computer simulation games.
In fact, the programme has been so popular that a major motion picture based on the show is currently in production, which promises to feature some top name Hollywood stars. And for those of you who prefer your entertainment to be just one more step away from reality, you'll be pleased to hear that a computer game based on the film is set for release in the near future.
Recent reports from India have this week revealed that the notorious Delhi Snake Charmer has struck again. Typically, the Charmer operates late at night, singling out his victims in hotel bars and clubs. Invariably he preys on elderly widowed snakes, plying them with champagne and wooing them with compliments. Then the silver-tongued rapscallion takes them back to his room and has his wicked way with them before absconding with their life's savings. Police are warning local snakes to be extra vigilant.
As part of their new 'Safety at the Seaside' campaign, Blackpool Town Council are to issue paddling certificates. The popular English resort will make these certificates available to everyone who completes a Paddling Proficiency Course, and no one who does not have the requisite qualification will be allowed in the sea. There will be three levels of proficiency - a Bronze Certificate will allow the bearer to paddle in the sea up to his or her knees. To go in up to the waist will require the Silver Certificate. And anyone lucky enough to achieve the Gold award will be able to go in dressed in their pyjamas and harvest rubber bricks from the seabed.
The council are also offering a City & Guilds in building sandcastles.