Twelve year old Oliver Vetti spoke recently of his terrible ordeal in which he was kidnapped by a gang of gypsy novelists, chained to a typewriter and forced to bash out eighty words a minute for anything up to ten hours at a time. He eventually managed to escape by fashioning a crude canoe out of the ink ribbon and using the 'f' and 'h' keys as oars.
Mr Leonard Rhomboid is set to be the first person in thirty years to be executed for treason in the United Kingdom. A lawyer for Mr Rhomboid said that his client was extremely distressed by the verdict and considers it ludicrously excessive considering the nature of his apparent crime.
"Mr Rhomboid was on a guided tour of Windsor Castle when he inadvertently strayed from the path," the lawyer explained. "The act was not intentional, nor did it cause any material damage, and as such we fail to see why it should have warranted such a severe penalty. I can't help but think that the court's decision to classify 'walking on the Queen's grass' as a treasonable offence is one that has been made for purely political reasons."
This will be the first time anyone has been executed for treason in this country since 1972, when 36-year-old Martin Chadwick was shot through the brains for farting during the State Opening of Parliament.
When a supermarket robbed her of two pence that she believed was rightfully hers, Mrs Renee Phallus was driven to take the law into her own hands. Cheapomart in Dronsfield promised customers that if they found goods being sold cheaper within a five mile radius they would refund the difference. So when Mrs Phallus discovered tinned peas being sold two pence cheaper at her local convenience store, she went along to Cheapomart to claim her cashback. However, it wasn't going to be that simple. Using the latest laser-calibrated range-finding equipment, in conjunction with satellite reconnaissance photographs, Cheapomart bosses demonstrated that the convenience store was actually about three and a half feet outside the catchment area.
Mrs Phallus was greatly disappointed and, feeling that she had been swindled, she determined to get her revenge. This she did by waging a protracted campaign of disruption against the supermarket, visiting the store up to four or five times a week to commit acts of minor sabotage. One of her favourite tricks was to take bottles of full cream milk and place them in the semi-skimmed section. She also wrecked the fresh fruit and veg display by surreptitiously placing potatoes in with the fresh peaches and concealing small aubergines amongst the leeks. Eventually she went too far and was spotted gobbing into the fresh fish display. Security were alerted but before they could swoop Mrs Phallus legged it down the toiletries aisle and made a break for the fire exit. Unfortunately, she wasn't quite quick enough. Store detectives cut off her escape, forced her through sauces and pickles and eventually cornered her up the pharmacy. Even when it was obvious the game was up, Mrs Phallus still refused to come quietly and tried to fight off her pursuers with an elasticated bandage and a packet of ibuprofen. But there was no hope of escape and she was eventually subdued by a glancing blow from a bottle of antiseptic.
Speaking at her trial, Mrs Phallus was unrepentant. "I'm standing up for the little people," she declared defiantly. "All too often these big businesses think that they can ride roughshod over our inalienable rights. And that is precisely what they will continue to do, just as long as we let them. Well I'm here to teach them a lesson that they'll never forget; to make them understand that they can no longer treat us with disregard and disdain... And if I ever find out which of those bastards bottled me, I'll rip his kidneys out."