A recent translation of one of the Dead Sea Scrolls has revealed that the 'Ten Commandments', as featured in Exodus, is only the first draft. The newly deciphered text reveals that after God had given the tablets containing the commandments to Moses, they were taken down Mount Sinai and presented to the Israelites for their approval. Reaction was mixed, but there emerged a general consensus that whilst many of the principals were quite acceptable, the language was rather too austere. All this 'thou shalt' and 'thou shalt not' business was frankly a little intimidating, and so they sent Moses back up the mountain to ask for a redraft.
And so Moses and God put their heads together and, over the course of three days and an equivalent number of nights, they thrashed out a compromise that hopefully wouldn't meet with so much consumer resistance. The final version was much more succinct and found considerably more favour with a weary, footsore people. Roughly translated, it read:
"Look after yourselves, take care of mum and dad, don't do anything I wouldn't do, drive safely and if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window."
In a poll carried out by officials at Worcester Public Library, residents were sent a brief questionnaire, asking them just what they expected from the local library. "The aim of this project was ultimately to improve our service to the community," said chief book wrangler, Dominic DeMaurier. "It's all part of a new initiative to tailor the library to the needs of local people."
Sadly, response to the survey was not enthusiastic and the only suggestion that library staff received was that all the chairs and tables ought to be removed and replaced with trampolines. Despite the fact that the suggestion was most probably meant as a joke, the library has nevertheless acted upon it and work to install the new trampolines has just been completed. By and large, the move has not been particularly well received by the majority of the library's patrons. Many people have complained that having people leaping about all over the place has destroyed the traditional calm and studious atmosphere of the library. And on three separate occasions the emergency services have been called out after people were struck by flying books. However, Miss Edna Potter, aged 90, has been a regular at Worcester library ever since she moved into the area thirty years ago, and she for one has welcomed the new trampolines.
"I think they're a marvellous idea," she told us, beaming happily. "I've always thought the library was a really dull place, and these things have livened it up a real treat. Plus, for the first time in my life, I am able to reach all the dirty books on the top shelf."
Unemployed spot welder, Desmond Omelette, 42, of Leeds has been charged with assaulting the Pacific Ocean. According to Mr Omelette, he and his wife were sitting in the Coach and Horses one evening, enjoying a quiet drink, when the Pacific Ocean walked in and started behaving in a loud and abusive manner.
"It was well out of order," Mr Omelette recalls. "There we were, minding our own business, and suddenly we were treated to a tirade of foul and insulting language. Obviously it had been drinking, but that's no excuse. I don't take that kind of talk from anyone, even if they are a major geographical feature."
Police were called to the pub to find Mr Omelette and the Pacific Ocean brawling in the car park. Mr Omelette is due to appear in court next month and there is a very good chance that the incident could result in a custodial sentence, as this is not his first offence. Only last year he was charged with affray after starting a fight with the Red Sea in the freezer aisle of a local supermarket. And in 1989 he was cautioned following an argument with Mount Kilimanjaro in a city centre night-club.
Paul Mayhew, 16, from Halifax is delighted to have reached the national finals of this year's Young Waiter of the Year Competition. The competition, set up six years ago to encourage youngsters to enter the profession, is considered most prestigious within the catering trade.
"Paul is a natural," says his trainer, Candice Bulwater. "Being surly and ill-mannered is something that comes very easily to him and, when called for, he can fling some pretty devastating insults. Oh, make no mistake - a gobful of abuse from young Paul certainly strikes home."
Ms Bulwater is taking particular care over Paul's 'thumb technique', the delicate art of surreptitiously placing the thumb into a bowl of soup. It is important that only the very tip of the digit is submerged, as any waiter observed to be up to his knuckle in minestrone shows clumsiness and lack of control.
Paul is considerably more confident about his spitting technique and he boasts about his ability to hurl phlegm into a pan of mashed potatoes with military precision. His personal best is fifteen feet, but Ms Bulwater believes he can beat this with a favourable wind. If he succeeds it will not only be a triumph for Paul, but also a poignant moment for his trainer. Thirty years ago the young Candice was herself the proud holder of the East Riddings Amateur Gobbing Championship for three years running - before an accident with a runaway stapler destroyed her lips and brought her glittering career to a tragic end.
Scientists examining bits of old bone have uncovered evidence that Nostradamus, the famous sixteenth century mystic, may indeed have possessed amazing powers of prophecy. They have determined that he suffered from a rare brain condition called Transverse Memory Syndrome, sufferers of which are born with an important part of their brain pointing in the wrong direction. A typical symptom is a very poor short term memory, no long term memory, but the uncanny ability to see into the future. In short, their memories are the wrong way round - they 'remember' things that haven't actually happened yet.
If it's true, this theory would explain many mysteries about the life and times of Nostradamus, in particular the questions surrounding his death. It is known that he died a victim of the terrible earthquake that struck Lyons in 1566, a disaster that took the lives of over six hundred people. Researchers have often wondered why, if Nostradamus was such an infallible prophet, he hadn't foreseen the event and made arrangements to be elsewhere. Well, now at last, Transverse Memory Syndrome offers a possible explanation - Nostradamus did indeed foresee the event and was desperate to leave the city, but he couldn't remember where he'd parked his horse.