Archaeologists excavating in Peterborough are delighted to have discovered a hole. Project Co-ordinator, Professor Christian Pyle announced that this remarkable find was the result of two weeks of painstaking work. "For a while," he says, "it looked as though this site was going to produce nothing at all. It was really rather disappointing. There were no traces of foundations, no coins, no primitive jewellery, nothing. We were all ready to pack our bags and head for home when one of the team suddenly took a step back and realised that what we had actually found was this remarkably well-defined hole."
The hole measures four foot by six, and is at least seven feet deep. Professor Pyle believes that further excavations could reveal it to be much deeper. Opinion is divided as to the origins of the hole. With no other finds, there is little dating evidence, although the consensus seems to be in favour of it being Roman.
"It really is an incredibly well-preserved feature, and further studies are bound to cast more light on how people lived in Roman times," says Pyle. "Especially those people who lived in holes. And to think, had we not persevered in our excavation, this hole may never have seen the light of day. It just makes you wonder what other remarkable cavities are out there, just waiting to be unearthed - in parks, on wasteland, even in your back garden. Who knows, you could go out tomorrow morning, spend and hour or two attacking your daffodils with a spade, and discover that you've got a hole of your very own. Now, wouldn't that be nice?"
Different archaeologists excavating in a different part of Peterborough have unearthed substantial Roman ruins. However, controversy has surrounded the discovery of a small sherd of decorated pottery. Pottery expert Quentin Mince immediately identified the fragment as being part of a large storage jar used for keeping grain. He went on to explain that the jar would have been about sixteen inches high, decorated with a leaf motif and was made locally, most probably on a Wednesday. Furthermore, he claimed that the jar belonged to a Roman Centurion called Kevin, who had been presented with it by his sister-in-law, but he had never really liked it and had only had it for three days before he had dropped it on purpose and thrown it out.
Quentin Mince is regarded as one of the foremost authorities on Roman pottery in the country but, in spite of this, Project Co-ordinator Christian T Pyle has expressed serious doubts about his summation. "It's a load of guff, that's what it is," says Pyle. "This man is paid sixty-five thousand pounds a year and he doesn't know Jack Shit. It's a storage jar, he says. Well, of course it's a storage jar. It's always a bloody storage jar. I've worked with him for over fifteen years, and no matter what we ask him to evaluate, his answer is always the same. A sherd of pottery - it's a Roman storage jar. A piece of tile - it's a Roman storage jar. Half a brick - it's, you guessed it, a Roman storage jar. The air filter from a 1976 Ford Granada - yep, that's a Roman storage jar, as well. Trouble is, he's got everybody convinced that he is an expert, so no one will dare contradict him."
Professor Pyle's outspoken comments have landed him in trouble, and Quentin Mince is currently considering suing his colleague for slander. Pyle, however, is unrepentant. "The man's a charlatan, and it's about time he was exposed," he insists. "I mean, really - who ever heard of a Roman Centurion called Kevin?"
The charming mill town of Fernpile in Yorkshire stands little chance of winning this year's Britain in Bloom contest, according to the Fernpile Improvement Group.
The annual competition to find the most picturesque town in the country is taken very seriously by the local residents, and their magnificent displays of flower and foliage have seen them win four times in the last ten years. But when members of the Improvement Group toured Fernpile with judges last month, they were not impressed by the condition of the town.
"I think they were particularly distressed by the strips of raw meat hanging from the lampposts," says group member Brenda Barker-Chomp. "Also, I don't think that the hanging baskets full of liver outside the post office went down too well."
Ms. Barker-Chomp believes it was a mistake to hand responsibility for this year's display over to local avant-garde artist, Damian Prick. Prick's innovative displays, based around the themes of death and dismemberment, are certainly impressive and there is no doubt that his work has put Fernpile on the map. Even so, it is now felt that it was a mistake to abandon traditional floral displays.
"It's been an interesting experiment," Ms. Barker-Chomp concedes. "But I don't think that it's one we will repeat. The judges just aren't ready for this kind of thing. I still recall the expression of horror on their faces when they first saw the word 'slaughter' spelt out in offal on the town's main roundabout."
Zoologists are seriously concerned about the falling numbers of Darrens in Essex. Population levels have been steadily falling since the late eighties, and if the trend continues the numbers could dwindle to below a sustainable threshold in just two years. Researchers blame this on the introduction of Garys from neighbouring Sussex. The first Garys were spotted in the area about twelve years ago, possibly after stowing themselves away inside baskets of fruit, or under the wheel arches of Mini Metros. This initial invasion rapidly grew into an epidemic as literally thousands of Garys flooded into the area, displacing the native population of Darrens and getting off with their girlfriends.
Nowadays there are no Darrens to be found anywhere in Braintree or Southminster, and only a small protected colony in Saffron Walden. However, biologists at Essex University have two very healthy captive specimens and hope to use them for breeding purposes. But then, whatever biologists get up to in their spare time is entirely their own affair.
A forty-eight year old liver from Denver has become the lucky recipient of the world's first successful human transplant. The liver's previous human being, Mrs Edna Wylie, was overweight and suffered from a number of serious cardiovascular problems. Doctors warned the liver that a transplant would be the only option. In a groundbreaking operation, lasting fifteen hours, Mrs Wylie was completely removed and replaced with twenty-eight-year-old Tina Grebe from Arkansas, whose previous liver had sadly died in a road accident.