Good luck to Mr Anthony P Davros who sets off this week on an expedition to Tibet in search of the Loch Ness Monster. This is the culmination of many years of arduous research and careful preparation for Mr Davros, whose theories about the possibility of a giant and as yet undiscovered prehistoric sea monster living amongst the snow swept peaks of the Himalayas have come in for a great deal of ridicule. Nevertheless, Mr Davros is undaunted and remains hopeful that his expedition will uncover indisputable evidence of the legendary beast. And in an attempt to silence his critics, Mr Davros has pointed to the success of the recent expedition to Loch Ness by Mr Bruce Cyberman, which turned up two mammoths, three pterodactyls and a yeti.
Radical new developments in marine research have allowed giant burger chain McDonalds to open up its latest branch in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Scientists at their top secret research labs in Mexico have perfected a technique of successfully waterproofing Big Macs, allowing the popular burgers to be eaten at depths of up to ten fathoms without any loss of flavour. Experiments were first carried out in the late seventies, but were abandoned when researchers were unable to prevent mayonnaise bleeding into the surrounding seawater. However, recent advances in bun technology have now made it possible to precisely machine the burgers so that the two halves form a watertight seal. This has also solved the problem of gherkins escaping and floating to the surface - admittedly no great loss in terms of burger flavour, but of great concern to environmentalists worried about possible gherkin slicks.
So far, business has been slow for McDonald's mid-Atlantic branch, but manager Christian Pyle isn't too worried. "The problem is there isn't much passing trade - just cruise ships, fishing boats and the occasional diver wanting directions to the Titanic. But it's early days yet - I'm sure things will pick up once word gets around," he mumbled incoherently through a snorkel.
Amateur investigator Damon Toggle believes that he has uncovered irrefutable proof of the existence of life after death. Toggle comes from Stoke-on-Trent - and if that wasn't proof enough in itself, he recently attended a seance in which he personally witnessed phenomena he cannot explain.
"The seance took place in a private house in the suburbs, one gloomy day in October," Toggle told us. "The medium was a rather pasty, frail woman of advancing years, who was introduced to me as 'Mrs Romanov', although I suspected this was not her real name. There were five of us in attendance, including Mrs Romanov herself. We were told to sit around in a circle with our palms spread on the table top in front of us, so that the tips of our fingers just touched. Then the curtains were closed, sealing us in darkness, save for the briefest slivers of daylight that managed to penetrate the heavy black fabric.
"I must admit, I was reluctant to take the occasion seriously. I have always been rather sceptical about these matters, but in the spirit of true scientific enquiry I resolved to keep an open mind. And so the show began. Mrs Romanov started to mutter to herself, softly at first, then with increasing volume. Occasionally she would shout out random words or scraps of dialogue, punctuated with long, laboured theatrical moans and wails. The man sitting next to me, evidently a regular at these performances, leaned over to me and whispered enigmatically, 'She's channelling!'
"Sadly, my patience was ebbing. After about five minutes of this side-show tomfoolery I was ready to leave, and I was actually about to stand up when something quite extraordinary happened. Mrs Romanov abruptly fell silent and I sensed her go rigid. Moments later there was a sudden explosive noise that seemed to come from somewhere beneath her chair and the air was filled with a hideous stench. It was like nothing I had ever smelt before, and it began to make my eyes water. At this point someone switched on the light and informed us that the seance was over. Apparently Mrs Romanov had been the victim of a horrific 'spirit attack' and she would have to go and lie down for the rest of the day.
"Since then I have mulled over the incident a great deal, and I must admit that am unable to explain what I witnessed that afternoon. I vividly recall that poor woman's face as the lights came back on. It was an expression of total shock; her face was bright red and there were tears glistening in her eyes. I have no doubt in my mind that her reaction was entirely genuine. I am always aware of the possibility of fraud, and the serious investigator can rarely rule it out entirely. But as I recall that rancid, cloying smell, I am convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that was no way that fragile old woman could have faked such a hideous manifestation."
Disaster has hit Britain's troubled space program with the loss of astronaut Brian Parker. Operation Space Ladder was Britain's ambitious project to put a man in orbit using a 252,000 mile long aluminium ladder, propped up against the moon. If successful, the plan would have completely revolutionised the future of space travel, slashing fuel costs and rendering extensive heat shielding redundant. Furthermore, the Space Ladder would drastically reduce the stresses and strains on the astronauts, as - unless he was climbing really fast - the g-force would be negligible.
Brian Parker was specially selected for the mission because of his exceptionally powerful thighs and superb head for heights. He began climbing at 13.45 GMT last Tuesday, but Mission Control lost contact with him early yesterday morning. Parker's colleague, Danny Fellows (whose job it is to hold the bottom of the ladder steady) is confident that contact will be re-established. "I don't think he's fallen off," he says optimistically. "If that were the case he'd have hit the ground by now. The last time I spoke to him over the radio he seemed very confident and in good spirits. There was certainly no indication of any trouble. In fact, his last words to me were, 'Hey, I can see my house from here.'"