A French Egyptologist, Bernard Capelle has concluded as a result of his studies that the ancient Egyptians could not have built the pyramids without foreign assistance as their builders and architects were simply not competent enough to erect such massive structures unaided. Reaction to his claim has not been favourable, particularly in Egypt itself where they are understandably most protective about their heritage. Amongst the most vocal of critics is Abdul Hammet, an Egyptian Frenchologist, who replied by announcing that as a result of his studies all Frenchmen are filthy, unwashed simpletons with tiny dicks.
There are calls to tighten up Health and Safety laws following the tragic death of Jon Pollock, a thirty-five year old technician at an Essex pharmaceutical company. Pollock's unfortunate demise came about when he slipped from a gantry and fell into a vat of antiseptic cream. Co-workers struggled to save him, but failed to prevent Pollock from being dragged down into the viscous material, where he subsequently drowned.
"The coroner said that when they pulled his body from the vat he had been completely sterilised," said his grieving widow. "Apparently the antiseptic had destroyed every trace of bacteria on him. It's ironic really - in all the years I'd known him, it was the healthiest he'd ever been. It's just a pity he was dead."
Where's My Pen? is the latest in a long line of game shows to gain cult appeal. The daytime show sees ten contestants battle it out to find the location of a missing biro. Has it slipped down the back of the sofa? Is it in the drawer? Maybe it's in the fridge? The combination of skill, deduction and sheer guesswork has made the show an instant hit, particularly amongst students. Now the BBC is set to capitalise on its success by making a primetime version of the show, featuring minor celebrities and a more expensive pen.
EMI have released the world's first CD in Braille. Funky Bumps is a compilation of classic 70's funk, featuring the likes of Curtis Mayfield, Isaac Hayes and many others. It can be played just with the fingertips - without the aid of a CD player. Record company spokesman Greg Marsden claimed that this was a major step forward for the recording industry, allowing the blind access to a whole range of music that had previously been unavailable to them. When it was pointed out to Mr Marsden that blind people were perfectly capable of listening to regular CDs just like anybody else, he merely grunted and mumbled something about having to speak to the marketing people in the morning.
Scientists are optimistic that doughnuts will improve radically in the near future. And it's about time, too.
According to a reliable source at my local pub, the former Soviet Union is being overrun by Nuclear Monkeys. For many years now they have been roaming the countryside in packs, waylaying passing truck drivers and stealing cargoes. This was confirmed by official sources down at the launderette, who also claim that they have even built futuristic monkey cities in the wilderness where they are planning some kind of monkey revolt. However, the increasing alertness of motorists has meant that fewer and fewer people are falling victim to their attacks, and this is perhaps the reason behind their recent move into towns and cities. Gangs of vicious nuclear monkeys have been seen in the suburbs of Moscow and several grocery stores in St Petersburg have been attacked in hit-and-run banana raids.
An expert on Russian energy policy - who works at my local post office - says this is all the result of Russia's decision to employ monkeys to run it's hazardous nuclear power stations. However, recent improvements in safety standards within Russia's nuclear energy industry has left thousands of irradiated monkeys out of work - many of them with special powers. Apparently the ringleader is this fifteen foot tall chimp called Benny who can turn himself invisible at will. That's what Mr Swift down at the newsagent's reckons anyway, and he used to be in the Territorial Army, so he knows what he's talking about.