Proving that some urban myths can have at least a grain of truth in them, Thomas Pendlebury, the governor of Dartmoor prison, reports that there were no less than five attempts last year to smuggle files into the prison inside fruit cakes. However, these incidents are just the tip of the iceberg. Amongst some of the other items discovered within confiscated confectionery were an assortment of power tools, fourteen duplicate keys, half a dozen rope ladders and a chainsaw.
Previous finds have included a moped wedged between the layers of a Victoria sponge, and a tunneling machine that was smuggled into the prison grounds cunningly disguised as a blancmange. However, these incidents would have to go a long way to beat the now notorious attempt in 1983 to smuggle the whole of D wing out of the prison in a raspberry cheesecake. The plot very nearly succeeded, and was only foiled at the last moment when an eagle-eyed young warder noticed that the cheesecake was past its sell-by date.
This plot may have been the inspiration for the disasterous 'Operation DeathCake', undertaken by the SAS during the Gulf War. The plan was for a squad of highly trained commandos to smuggle themselves into Saddam Hussein's secret war bunker disguised as a Black Forest gateau, assasinate the Iraqui leader using explosive walnuts, then escape in a dinghy hidden in an apricot and rubarb flan. The scheme went tragically awry when the gateau was intercepted by a sweet-toothed member of Saddam's elite Republican Guard, who found its dark, rich chocolate and creamy filling irresistable. Three of the squad were eaten instantly, and one man only escaped after being badly nibbled. To this day, Lieutenant Hugo Lucas still cannot look a chocolate mousse in the face.
Former Bond, Sean Connery, staunch supporter the Scottish National Party, has outlined his plans for an independent Scotland in more detail. He wants to see not only political independence, but geographical independence also. Connery's dream is for his homeland to be detatched from the rest of the British Isles, towed into the Mediterranean and converted into his own private golf course. In addition to this, he would also like Wales to be anchored off the coast of Portugal, so that he's got somewhere to park his cars.
Sales of carrier pigeons in Sweden have reached an all-time high, due to environmental concerns and the fact that they are now bred to imitate an increasing number of ringtones. A survey last month revealed that pigeon sales have now outstripped sales of mobile phones for the first time in 150 years.
A spokesbird for the International Pigeon Federation was reported in last Monday's Times as saying, "Coo, coo, coo, coo, coo-coo, coo." However, he later claimed he was misquoted.
According to Walter Fitzalan, a strange bloke from Chester, the powers that be are blind to the possibilities of firing pigs from catapults. "I can't believe they have overlooked this matter for so long," he says. "The pig may be a lumbering, graceless brute on the ground, but in the air they are lithe and elegant creatures, capable of displaying balletic poise and breathtaking self-control. I am dismayed that the relevant authorities have not acted upon this matter already."