In a surprise initiative to cut down on unemployment amongst the young, the Republic of Ireland has announced plans to introduce National Service. As of next July all school leavers must serve a minimum of two years in a popular boy band. The move could see the pop charts flooded with teen heart-throbs like 'Westlife', 'Boyzone' and 'Manhole'. Minister for Employment Jack Drury is keen to push ahead with the scheme, pointing out that in addition to cutting unemployment, it will also generate considerable revenue from overseas record sales.
However, a number of music industry commentators have blasted the move. They claim it will seriously dilute the quality of Ireland's music scene, which has already suffered following the introduction of Territorial bands like U2, who only play at weekends.
In a leaked report prepared by the Department of Not Being Able to Keep a Lid on Things, it has emerged that most of the country's fire services are considered to be dangerously underfunded. One of the worst is Lower Hamplewick, where the force comprises just three volunteers armed with water pistols. As they have no appliance, they have no choice but to attend all fires within a two mile radius on foot. For anything outside that radius the procedure is to send a bucket of water by recorded delivery.
This is in stark contrast to the neighbouring, and noticeably more affluent Upper Hamplewick, where the merest hint of smouldering is met with a crew of 24 men, a helicopter and six fire engines full of Perrier.
There is a new concept in fast food on the horizon with the introduction of the UK's first Soup Station. Soup Stations are already big news in Denmark, where they use the same technology that we are already familiar with on petrol forecourts. Customers can drive up to the pumps and fill up with a variety of different soups, then pay at a special kiosk, where they can also purchase breadsticks, napkins or brake fluid.
Soups currently available are tomato, minestrone and unleaded. It was hoped that leek and potato would be available by now, but in initial trials it proved to be too thick and kept clogging the nozzles. Research continues.
The latest fashion in pseudo-oriental arts is apparently 'Fengami' - a cross-pollination of Feng Shui and the ancient art of paper folding. Proponents of this latest craze explain that it combines the principals of Feng Shui - the tradition of placing buildings, objects and furniture in such a way that they channel 'positive energy' - and the disciplines of origami. The 'Centre for Spiritul Enlightenment' in Totnes is the first place in the country to offer courses on the art, and for a fee of £12.50 you can sign up for a series of eight evening classes. In lesson one, you will be taught how to fold a coffee table.
Mr Alfred Brindley, a tool fitter from Leicestershire, returned home from work yesterday to find that, due to a typing error, his house had been bugled. This is the latest in a spate of particularly nasty typing errors to be reported in the Midlands during the last few weeks. Forensic experts believe that the buglers broke into Mr Brindley's house through an unsecured upstairs window, then proceeded to play their instruments loudly and recklessly until they were disturbed by a meter reader. They then fled, leaving several pages of discarded sheet music behind them. Detectives believe that the same buglers are also responsible for other attacks in the area, although they cannot rule out the possibility that a number of trombonists were also involved.
In a statement to the press, Leicestershire Constabulary has promised that more resources will be diverted into the attempt to get these vicious typing errors stopped. In the meantime, they offer their sincerest condolences to the unfortunate victims. "These attacks are irritating and unpleasant, but we must remember that it could be a lot worse," commented Chief Inspector John Quigley, who was himself buggered only last month.