INT. A BOOKSHOP - DAY
THE CUSTOMER APPROACHES THE SHOPKEEPER AT THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER:
Hello, there. Bit of a long shot, this, but I don't suppose you've got a copy of 'Three Men in a Boat', have you?
SHOPKEEPER:
Beg your pardon, sir?
CUSTOMER:
'Three Men in a Boat' by Jerome K Jerome. Going on a riverboat holiday, thought I'd take along something suitable.
SHOPKEEPER:
I should think we've got it here, somewhere.
THE SHOPKEEPER CHECKS THE SHELVES BEHIND HIM, PRODUCES THE BOOK AND PUTS IT ON THE COUNTER.
SHOPKEEPER:
There we go sir: 'Three Men in a Goat'.
CUSTOMER:
I beg your pardon?
SHOPKEEPER:
Five pounds fifty, sir. Shall I put it in a bag for you?
THE CUSTOMER PICKS UP THE BOOK AND READS THE TITLE.
CUSTOMER:
'Three Men in a Goat'?
SHOPKEEPER:
Yeah, it's the dirty version.
CUSTOMER:
The dirty version?
SHOPKEEPER:
That's right sir. This is a dirty book shop.
THE CUSTOMER PUTS THE BOOK BACK ON THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER:
Well it's no good to me. Haven't you got a proper version?
SHOPKEEPER:
No sir. Sorry sir. All our books are dirty books.
CUSTOMER:
Well what's the point of that?
SHOPKEEPER:
It's all part of the publishing industry's latest initiative, you see. They're trying to get people to take an interest in the classics.
CUSTOMER:
What, by debasing them?
THE CUSTOMER PICKS UP ANOTHER BOOK FROM THE COUNTER.
CUSTOMER:
I mean, what's this? (READS) 'One Flew Over the Knocking Shop'. This is awful.
SHOPKEEPER:
Not at all. That's one of our best sellers. Trouble is, no one wants to read books anymore. There's too much competition. Look at television: that's just chock full of sex. Films are becoming more and more explicit. The internet - well that's just wall to wall filth. Even the newspapers are all bums and tits these days.
CUSTOMER:
Yes, but even so...
THE CUSTOMER THROWS THE BOOK DOWN AND PICKS UP ANOTHER.
CUSTOMER:
(READS) 'William Shakespeare - A Midsummer Night's Gangbang'. Is there really any need for that?
SHOPKEEPER:
I'm afraid there is. Trust me, it's all been done very tastefully. Each one of these special editions has been rewritten by a carefully selected team of deviants and perverts to include the maximum levels of smut and innuendo. I mean take a look at this one.
THE SHOPKEEPER HANDS THE CUSTOMER ANOTHER BOOK.
CUSTOMER:
Tolstoy?
SHOPKEEPER:
That's right.
CUSTOMER:
(READS) 'War and Tits'.
SHOPKEEPER:
Now how many people would be prepared to wade through the proper version? Yet, if you throw in a bit of smut, they lap it up.
THE CUSTOMER FLIPS THE BOOK OVER TO READ THE BLURB.
CUSTOMER:
(READS) 'Leo Tolstoy's epic depiction of Nineteenth Century Russian society is vividly portrayed against the brutal backdrop of the Napoleonic Wars, and is rightly regarded as a masterpiece of storytelling... Now with added tits.'
SHOPKEEPER:
Now isn't that a more enticing prospect? We've got all the classics: 'A Tale of Two Titties', 'Around the World with Eighty Gays', 'Moby Cock'. We also have an extensive children's section.
CUSTOMER:
Children's books!
SHOPKEEPER:
'The Lion, the Bitch and the Whore's Globes', 'James and the Giant - '
CUSTOMER:
Look! Don't you have anything here that isn't smutty?
SHOPKEEPER:
Well, there is this one.
THE SHOPKEEPER REACHES UNDER THE COUNTER AND PLACES A BOOK IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMER.
CUSTOMER:
'Lady Chatterley's Lover'?
SHOPKEEPER:
No sir, 'Lady Chatterley's Shopping'. It's a specially cleaned up version - Lady Chatterley decides to leave Mellors at home and go out to buy some new shoes.
THE CUSTOMER FLICKS THROUGH THE BOOK UNCERTAINLY.
CUSTOMER:
Is it any good?
SHOPKEEPER:
It's quite monumentally dull.
CUSTOMER:
Right, okay.
THE CUSTOMER CLOSES THE BOOK.
CUSTOMER:
In that case, give me a copy of 'The French Lieutenant's Bottom'.
