Do you have feelings of inferiority? Are you intimidated by your colleagues at work? Too scared to go to the pub on your own? Then what you need is Dr Adolphous Bongo's Personality Enhancement course!

Yes, hello. I'm Dr Adolphous Bongo, and before we go any further, I want to get one thing absolutely straight. Despite the rumours, the law suits and all the other things you may have read about in the paper, I am actually a real doctor. I've got all the books, the certificates, taken the oath, everything. And let me tell you, a qualification gained in Tonga is just as valid as any other. In fact, if anything, the test is even more rigorous, and the fact that the training takes only one afternoon is testament to the intensity of the instruction. So let's put this shite to bed once and for all, shall we? Good.

Now then, life can often be difficult, unrewarding, and fraught with worries and uncertainties. Not my life, obviously. This doctoring lark is making me a packet, so I'm having a high old time. But for you normal people, life can often be harsh, so it's really no wonder that many of you turn into paranoid, neurotic wrecks, who spend all day hiding under the dining room table trying to remember your own name. But now all that can be a thing of the past! With my Personality Enhancement Programme you can avoid descending to the mental level of an unripened tomato and once more lead an active and relatively normal life!

Yes I'm talking about you, you freak. You see, locked away in the pathetic, worn out husk of a body is a new you; a stronger, more assertive, more positive you. And now, for a not inconsiderable fee, I can unlock that inner 'you' so that you might emerge, butterfly-like, from the shattered husk of your life and once more become a reasonably useful member of society.

'But how much is this going to cost me, Dr Bongo?' I hear you say. Well, what is mere money compared to a whole new life stretching ahead of you? Well, exactly. Sell the car, re-mortgage the house - whatever. The new you won't be tied down by material possessions. In fact, you will laugh mockingly when you see someone tearing past you in the street in a brand new Porsche, wearing an Armani suit and an arm-full of Cartier watches. Unless it's me, of course, in which case you will be overcome with gratitude...