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a +(E/2 + b) = D - Õ + Ö ³ W » /y + 1210 = (7b x Õ ) = 42 £ k a = CHEESE This apparently simple formula, conclusively proving the existence of cheese, is the result of many years of arduous research carried out by Dr Joseph Nuts at Montpellier University. Cheese has been in common usage since the bronze age, as both a construction material and as an industrial lubricant. However, until now its existence has never been scientifically proven, although Sir Isaac Newton did claim to have determined the atomic weight of Stilton as early as 1638 - some four years before he was actually born. This latest discovery has finally put an end to all the speculation, demonstrating that cheese has an objective reality, and is not some weird Satanist conspiracy dreamt up by Freemasons, as was previously claimed by some high-ranking members of the Catholic Church. This momentous breakthrough is seen as a welcome vindication of Dr Nuts' work, which has been heavily criticised of late. Dr Nuts first began his research in the late seventies and has continued to devote all his time and energy to the project, interrupted only by a short spell in California State Penitentiary. The Dr and his team of young (mostly female) researchers would often work late into the night. The sounds of giggling and merriment to be heard coming from his laboratory in the early hours of the morning only served to demonstrate Dr Nuts' determination to keep up the morale of his staff, and although the University Administrators often questioned his regular requests for more alcohol and party snacks, their faith in him has finally been borne out. Nevertheless, this discovery in no way marks the end of cheese research, as Dr Nuts himself is keen to point out. "There is still a great deal of work to be done, so no need to go cancelling my research grant just yet!" he joked nervously as he nibbled on a Twiglet. "My formula only describes basic hard cheeses such as Cheddar or Edam. We have yet to come up with a workable theory to explain soft cheeses like Brie or Camembert. And the chances of us ever truly understanding Primula are very remote indeed - I certainly don't think it will happen in our lifetimes..."
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