To Serve Man

Celebrity chef Heston Cheesecake, author of the best-selling Cooking with the Stars has spoken out about the lack of quality ingredients that is seriously damaging his profession.

"Back in my time," he told our reporter recently, "we had proper movie stars, real artists, genuine talent. You could come into my restaurant any day of the week and tuck into braised shoulder of Gregory Peck, rack of John Wayne or filet de Marilyn Monroe. These days if you want to cook with celebrities, all you've got to work with is reality TV stars, one hit wonders and nonentities."

In recent years, the number of people eating in celebrity restaurants has declined, largely due to the increased availability of cheap pre-packed c-listers that can be microwaved at home. But Cheesecake believes that the reduced quality of famous flesh has contributed to the shift in habits.

"Ha! These clowns don't know what real stardom is," he told our reporter as he defiantly tucked into a Bieber Burger with Dawn French fries. "People these days are awarded their fifteen minutes of fame by virtue of their own crushing stupidity. I'm an artist! How can I create culinary excellence from showbiz offal like that?"

Mr Cheesecake can currently be seen cooking Linda Lusardi and The Krankies in Dick Whittington at the Assembly Rooms in Bath.