Conquering the Earth

Alfie Manilow has set himself the task of conquering the Earth, one clump of soil at a time. It's not many supervillains who spend their formative years growing up in a sleepy suburb in the West Midlands prior to training as a primary school teacher, but Alfie has not allowed his somewhat humdrum background dampen his ambitions.

That said, Alfie is nothing if not a realist. He knows that it will be a long time before he can command legions of criminal henchmen operating out of a string of secret underground bases circling the globe. If he is to realise his dream of dominating the planet, he understands that he will have to start small - which is why he began by gaining mastery over a small plant pot on his aunt's kitchen dresser. He then moved on to subjugating a small patch of earth outside his bedroom window, a task in which he was successful only after a long and protracted battle of wits with next door's cat.

Alfie is currently preparing to embark on phase three of his scheme - the annexation of Kettering - although he admits that he is slightly daunted by the significant increase in the scale of his operations.