Local Council Bans Cheesy Bait

Residents are up in arms following proposals by West Devon Borough Council banning the use of cheese in mousetraps to protect rodents that are lactose intolerant.

"It's political correctness gone mad," said local big mouth Tracy Sponge. "I've been using cheese in mousetraps for over thirty years and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it."

Tracy, whose house is filthy and a beacon for vermin, has considerable experience when it comes to despatching rats, mice, foxes and the occasional small horse unwise enough to cross her threshold. She prefers to throttle them with her bare hands, but struggles to cope with the sheer volume and so uses traps to keep on top of the problem. She believes that a ban on dairy products will hit her hard.

"It's the loony lefty euro-bollocks do-goody health and safety brigade sticking their oar in again," she said. "It makes me want to spit. They've no right to tell me how I can kill things in the comfort and privacy of my own home. Phooey!"

Meanwhile, the council takes the view that it has a responsibility for the welfare of all animals in the borough, as their Head of Ants, Colleen Scratchit explained. "When we banned flypaper as a way of preventing insects from getting all sticky, there was uproar," she told us. "But in the twenty-first century we do have a responsibility. As a result of our actions the council was awarded a certificate. Yes, you heard me, a certificate. This kind of recognition is not something that you can take lightly and I think it clearly demonstrates that we are on the right track.

"Now we are looking to continue that good work and we are proposing this measure in response to the latest scientific studies - oh yes, scientific studies - on the effects of dairy products on mice."

Mrs Scratchit was referring to the recent work of a group in Cambridge which spent six months force-feeding Dairylea to a selection of small animals. What resulted from this experiment were significant numbers of listless gerbils, bloated rabbits and fat mice.

Mr Squeaks was unavailable for comment.

"You can't argue with facts," Mrs Scratchit said. "Because facts are facts, and that's a fact. We want to be leading the way on this, and I think by and large the public will approve. I mean, do we really want to see lactose intolerant mice wandering around, all blotchy and giddy and grumpy? No, of course not. Only by making certain that we avoid using dairy products in traps can we ensure that mice in the West Devon area are alert, vigorous and healthy when they get their necks snapped. And, more importantly, we might just be in line for another certificate."