Granwrap

A new startup company in Oldham has come up with a revolutionary new system to save energy and enable people to remain warm throughout the winter months.

"We're aiming this primarily at older people," said spokesthing Barry Dangler. "Partly because that is where there is the greatest need, but mostly because they don't move about as much, which is kind of vital to how this thing works."

The new 'Granwrap' system involves wrapping the individual in a thick rubberised sheet, impregnated with 'Gransulate', a revolutionary new substance which retards the transmission of heat. The company admits that although initial test have proved that the system works, test subjects have reported that it is a uniquely unpleasant experience.

"Well, most test subjects," Mr Dangler points out. "There was one man in Grantham who seemed to get quite excited by the whole thing, but we reckon that he's just a statistical abnormality. Just a dirty, dirty, dirty little statistical abnormality. Anyway, we are working on improving the system by printing a tartan design on the sheet and including a slot near the mouth so that we can administer custard creams and toffees."

The company is confident of the success of the system and hopes that many pensioners will be able to access a grant to have it installed - although it does recognise that government policy is still very much in favour of elderly people freezing to death in their own homes.