An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo

 

Barcode donkey

Mr Alan Plantagenet
Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Shepton Bassett

 

Dear Mr Plantagenet

Or should I call you Alan? Perhaps not, under the circumstances. The last time we spoke I recall that you were extremely red-faced and shouty, and your parting words to me were something along the lines of ripping my spleen out through my bumhole if you ever laid eyes on me again. Since this would likely be an unpleasant and messy experience for both of us, I have decided to write to you rather than approach you in person. This way I will be spared the discomfort and you will avoid the cleaning bill for your office carpet.

I expect that this letter may come as surprise to you, as you were most probably thinking that you would never hear from me again. After all, you were quite clear when you dismissed me from your employment last Tuesday that you no longer required my services as a junior zoo keeper at the Shepton Bassett Park and Zoo. In fact, you were extremely vocal about my lack of fitness for the role and my shortcomings as a human being in general. Many people may have been offended and upset by the personal remarks you made, but I would like to assure you that I am made of sterner stuff. Besides, you said nothing that I haven't heard before from previous employers, casual acquaintances and even members of my own family. However, I am now hopeful that you will have had time to calm down and review the circumstances in a more even-tempered frame of mind and so I am writing to you today to ask you to reconsider your decision.

Let me make one thing clear from the outset: I make no attempt to deny that mistakes were made. You will recall that I owned up to it straight away when I ran over that big stripy cat thing in the Land Rover. Also the armoured horse - the rhino? The rhino is the one with the horn, yes? Well, when I accidentally let it out of its enclosure and it rampaged through the gift shop, who was the first to tell you what had happened? My line manager? The emergency services? The relatives of the deceased? No, it was me - I came straight to your office to let you know what had transpired and that I was completely to blame. Didn't try to pin the guilt on someone else; didn't try to justify my error. I just came straight out and said I'd done a bad thing and that I was very sorry and that it would never happen again. And it wasn't just because it was my first day and I wanted to create a good impression - it was because I am a scrupulously honest person and I take my responsibilities very seriously.

That said, I do want to impress upon you that there are mitigating circumstances. I am not trying to make excuses but that fact is that the training I was given was hardly adequate. For example, when I was told to make sure the elephant had plenty of water, how was I to know that it was inadvisable to connect that hose thing on its face directly to the cold water tap? I mean, what else is it for? Any reasonable person would have done the same and I was astonished when I was told that this was the only recorded instance of an elephant drowning in captivity. You would have thought this sort of thing happened all the time.

And then there were the long-necked cows - those big tall spotty ones. All they told me was to feed them - nobody explained the correct procedure. How are you supposed to give something its dinner when it's got its head in the trees? It wouldn't have been so bad if they had provided me with a ladder. In the circumstances, I thought my solution of using a catapult to fire sausages up at them was quite novel. Ok, so one of them got blinded by an unexpected saveloy, but I can hardly be blamed if the dumb animal wasn't paying proper attention, now can I?

Now then - the stick insects. Well, the clue is in the name, isn't it? They look like sticks, they're named after sticks and, to even the most professional eye, they act like sticks. I was asked to clean out their tank and that's exactly what I did. This, I'm afraid, is nature at its most cruel - if an animal is going to disguise itself as what is essentially garden waste, then it's going to be treated as such and I can hardly be blamed for throwing your entire collection on a bonfire. You will recall that I did my very best to make amends as soon as my blunder was pointed to me and, if it's any consolation, the bag of Twiglets that I put in there to replace them was just as big a hit with visitors as the real thing.

Of course, I do appreciate that during my interview I may have given the impression that I was rather more experienced than is actually the case. That said, I would have thought you would have realised that this was an exaggeration - everyone lies in interviews, don't they? When I said that I had extensive experience working with animals what I actually meant was that I had done a week's work experience in a small pet shop in my local town centre. They mostly sold pet food, cat toys and other accessories, and these rarely gave me any trouble. A twelve kilo bag of premium dog biscuits requires very little exercise and has never been known to bite. The shop did sell animals as well - hamsters, goldfish and suchlike - but these really weren't in the same league as your lions, hippos and those black and white barcode donkeys that you have. Rounding up a herd of gerbils is nothing like as challenging as managing a flock of bison, and when they do stampede it's not nearly as scary. It may surprise you to learn that no one has ever been trampled to death by rodents. Not on my watch, in any case.

I want to conclude by pointing out that everyone makes mistakes. Even you, Mr Plantagenet, must surely make the odd slip-up now and then: going to the wrong meeting, forgetting to sign an important document, releasing a panther - that kind of thing. Granted, some people make mistakes that are more... I don't want to say 'catastrophic'... let's say more 'significant' than others. But it's all too easy to concentrate on the negatives and blind oneself to someone's more positive qualities. For example, in the three months that I worked for you, not a day went by when I didn't feed the red shiny tube creatures. Obviously, I now realise that the red shiny tube creatures were actually fire extinguishers, but let's not allow that to overshadow my dedication and diligence. I would also like to mention Tuesday 28th April - a red letter day indeed since this was the one day during my time at the zoo when none of the visitors died. I think that's worth celebrating, don't you. Perhaps it could be an annual event? And finally, I think it is only fair to note that by the time I left, you still had a third of the animals that you started out with. That's not a bad survival rate, now is it?

So Mr Plantagenet - Alan - if you could find it in your heart to reverse your decision, I would be really most grateful. I have some very fond memories of my time at the zoo and loved every minute - right from the morning I arrived and the hairy thing with the banana fixation flung its poo at me, right up to the moment when you chased me off the premises with a pitchfork. I really got to love the animals - those big chickens in the aviary, the funny things with the coat racks on their heads and even the scaly snappy thing that used to eat children. And you can be certain that there would be no repeat of those unfortunate incidents that dogged my time with you. I pride myself that I am someone who can learn from his mistakes and is guaranteed not to repeat them. No sir. Invite me back and I can assure you that all my mistakes will be new ones.

Armoured horse thing

 

Yours Sincerely

Simon Plunger

 

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2021

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