Hypnotic Wipes to Tackle Information Leakage

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New data protection laws mean that any workers with access to sensitive personal information will be required to have their memories hypnotically erased upon moving to a new place of work.

"Every time somebody leaves an employer we run the risk of a massive data breach," said Emma Cryption from the Information Commissioner's Office. "Whether through carelessness or deliberate action, there is an ever-present danger that personal information, your personal information, could fall into the wrong hands. We can take measures to ensure that printed matter never leaves the workplace, we can ensure that passwords are updated and networks remain secure, but we've never been able to wipe the information stored in people's heads - until now."

Although traditionally considered unreliable, recent breakthroughs in the field of hypnotic suggestion mean that it is now considered a feasible way of preventing both conscious and subconscious information leakage. New legislation will soon make it mandatory in many professions and the Information Commissioner's Office is keen to provide reassurance.

"It's perfectly safe," said Mrs Cryption. "Admittedly, the techniques in use are very new and still a little rough around the edges. It's not as precise in targeting specific memories as we would like and occasionally other information can go missing, but there's really very little that can go wrong. In fact, as part of the ongoing trials I myself have been getting 'hypnotically wiped' every Friday evening for the last few months and apart from forgetting my PIN number, my passwords, my wedding anniversary, my mother's birthday, my email address, my husband's name and where live, there's really been no problem at all."

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