Sundial

Archaeologists examining a four hundred-year-old sundial in a Sussex churchyard have discovered that it's five minutes slow. According to the team, the only explanation for this is that the giant spring that runs the solar system is gradually winding down, meaning that the Earth is now losing time.

However, a spokesman from the Royal Observatory in Greenwich has advanced an alternative theory. "I could go into detail about tidal forces, leap seconds and all sorts of proper science stuff," he said. "But I think that the simplest explanation is that the sundial was never aligned properly in the first place. Basically, this is just the sort of nonsense that you get when archaeologists think they can do proper science. Best advice I can give them is to go back to their muddy holes and their broken pottery, and let the rest of us get on with the serious thinking."