The Crap Olympics
Colin Smith is knackered and wheezy and runs like a constipated dachshund. This, he believes, puts him at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to competing in major athletic events, and so he is campaigning for new rules which will make conditions for athletes like him much fairer.
"Is it right that when I compete in a marathon I should be penalised because I have to stop for pizza every 400 yards?" he complains. "Is it fair that, just because I have fat legs, I am forced to clamber over hurdles, without so much as a footstool to assist me?" he continues. "And surely there has to be something wrong with the world when I am banned - yes, banned - from taking part in the pole vault because I happen to be ever so slightly morbidly obese?" he concludes. "It's high time we had a level playing field - especially when it comes to fell running."
To rectify the imbalance, Mr Smith has proposed that all other competitors should be 'professionally nobbled' - either physically, chemically or emotionally - in order to bring them down to his level. His suggestion has been called 'The Crap Olympics' by some members of the popular press, but Smith is nevertheless adamant that these changes are necessary. It will, he says, make international athletics more inclusive, more competitive and finally open up the sport to all manner of lardbuckets, mouth-breathers, pie-chuggers, clodhoppers, fartabouts, drunkards, dopeheads, bumpkins, sluggards, spongers, malingerers and deadbeats.
What's more, he believes that this will make for a far more entertaining spectacle for the paying punters, and in this respect he might just have a point.