Suckotron: The Personal Asset Stripper

With individual personal debt having increased drastically over the past few years, enforcement officers are being kept very busy. But, like vampires, UK bailiffs cannot enter your home uninvited. Also, they have an aversion to garlic and they can't be seen in mirrors, but that's not important right now.

What this means is that since, in many cases, bailiffs don't have the power to force entry, it makes it very difficult for them to seize goods. There are, of course, loopholes. For instance, it is perfectly legal for them to limbo into your home through a narrow gap, but since most bailiffs are recruited for their ability to smash through doors rather than slide beneath them, their bulk usually makes this a practical impossibility.

In the absence of a plentiful supply of flat bailiffs, officers are resorting to other means, including coercing family pets to deliver up valuables, fishing for them through open windows and using highly-trained seagulls to infiltrate the debtor's premises. More recently, one firm has hired famous mentalist Uri Geller to teach its enforcement staff how to attract debtors' assets to them just by using the 'overwhelming animal magnetism of their personality'. The initiative was only partially successful in that quite a large number of items were taken into possession in this way, but sadly the resale value of a bunch of bent TVs is next to zero.

Nevertheless, the situation looks set to change following the launch of the Suckotron Personal Asset Stripper. Based on NASA technology used to suck astronauts out of crumpled rockets, the Suckotron employs a powerful vacuum hose which draws items out of inaccessible properties through vents, chimneys and any other available opening.

Many firms have already adopted the device and seem very pleased with the results. "It's fantastic," said one anonymous enthusiast. "We can clear a debtor's home of every stick of furniture in a matter of minutes. Ok, most of it ends up a little bit broken, but when you're trying to suck a dining room table out through someone's letterbox, that's kind of inevitable. The important thing is that it gets the job done and it really is so much fun!"

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