Boffins Against Chronological Chaos

Fresh Concerns for Unlicensed Time Travel

Clocks

A group of scientists is calling for an international convention limiting the use of time travel, to prevent what they term "unscientific and damaging interference in history". In a joint letter to the United Nations, the group claims that although the prospect of this technology seems remote at the moment, the nature of time means that if a basic theory were perfected tomorrow, we could have an operational time machine by yesterday.

The group, calling itself Boffins Against Chronological Chaos, is concerned that uncontrolled "jiggering about" in time could seriously threaten causality. It asserts that even apparently harmless trips to the past could register significantly on the "jigger" scale. The boffins say that we need to act promptly to make sure unlicensed time travellers knock it off pronto, and they are hoping that the UN will enact suitable legislation sometime last week, or possibly sooner.

Time

But what exactly will be off limits? Or perhaps it's more correct to ask, what exactly will have been off limits? Well, it has long been felt that, if time travel did become possible, certain historic events should receive protection. Some smart arses claim that the absence of sightings of anachronistic onlookers at the scenes of great battles, such as Waterloo, proves that time travel will never be a reality. However, it could equally suggest that, at some point in the future, legislation will be put in place to ensure these events are off limits to chrononauts.

However, the same may not be true for people of historic interest. Throughout history, notable individuals, celebrities and pioneers have reported strange phenomena. Benjamin Franklin, for example, once claimed to have been visited by angels. John Lennon, meanwhile, reported seeing a UFO hovering outside the window of his apartment in New York. And Frida Kahlo frequently encountered purple pixies, who sang sad songs to her in the early hours of the morning. Were these strange apparitions in reality tourists from a future age, come to gawp at individuals of significance? It's worth noting that Justin Bieber has never reported any kind of weird visitation, which would seem to support the theory.

Time

It is this kind of interference that Boffins Against Chronological Chaos is chiefly worried about. The group doesn't want people travelling back in time to distract Newton when he is on the point of making a discovery, nudging da Vinci's arm while he's painting the Mona Lisa, or belting Abraham Lincoln in the mouth just as he's about to deliver the Gettysburg Address. Although if someone from the future wants to come and give Bieber a slap, then they're perfectly ok with that.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
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