The Alternative Olympics

All the news, all the action, as it happens, live from the Alternative Olympics. Thank you for joining us for our round up of this morning's events, and first it's over to Kerry Splash for the latest from the slow-motion diving.

Slow-Motion Diving

Well, we've seen some great action here from the pool this morning. The points in this event awarded, as you know, for style, degree of difficulty and the length of time they are able to stay in the air. A new world record has been set today by the young German competitor Karl Stein, with a time of twenty-two minutes and fifteen seconds between launching himself from the board and entering the water. Even so, it's a close competition. These are highly trained athletes, who have spent years perfecting the techniques necessary to overcome the pull of gravity.

There was one upset earlier when the British hopeful, Gareth Tonks, lost concentration at a vital moment and splashed into the pool after only thirty seconds. British hopes now lie with his teammate, Mark Battenburg, who is currently in the air as I speak and has been for over eighteen minutes.

Oh, and he's in! I think maybe someone distracted him in the crowd. Sadly, it only takes a momentary lapse when you're competing at this level. Whatever the reason, it's all over for the UK now.

Exciting developments there. Over to Alan Madeley at the Speed Swingball event now. What's happening there, Alan?

Speed Swingball

Not very much at the moment. Play has been temporarily paused for technical reasons. Olympic Swingball is very different from the domestic version that most of our viewers will be familiar with, with speeds often in excess of six hundred revolutions per minute. That inevitably puts a great strain on the equipment - these are Olympic standard swingball sets, of course, but even so, failures are common. Line snapage, pole bendage and ball dislocation happen with alarming regularity, and that's what's happened here today. Unfortunately, there has been a catastrophic ball-off, turning the dislocated sphere into a lethal missile, and sadly several members of the crowd have been injured.

Paramedics are currently on the scene and a new swingball is being installed. The hope is that, if we're given the all-clear, play can resume later today.

Our thoughts go out to friends and relatives. Let's hope that the final stages of the dodgem rally have not been similarly marred by tragedy. Let's hear from Richard Manifold at the trackside.

Dodgem Rallying

Hello, yes, well we've seen some fantastic racing today, I can tell you. This is a twenty-mile course, taking in several challenging terrains and features, and it really is extraordinary to see these zippy little dodgems being driven at speeds of up to eight miles an hour, the navigators flailing around and shrieking wildly as they cling desperately to that big pole thing at the back.

But there has only been one real standout character this year, and that's the Swedish number one, Anna Anderson. Anderson, who previously made her name in the Scalextric championships, has brought all her experience of not flying off at the corners to the sport of dodgem rallying, and as a result she has dominated the competition. However, I spoke to her earlier, and she tells me that this is to be her last rally. Ever keen to take up a new challenge, she intends to compete on the Waltzer next year.

From an old favourite to a new event at this year's games - the Bonsai Pole Vault. Martha Sideboard is going to tell us all about it.

Bonsai Pole Vault

That's right, this event being premiered at this year's games. Essentially, it's exactly the same as regular pole vaulting, except that the poles are only 30cm high. As the jumps are the same height as those in regular pole vaulting, this makes this one of the most challenging events on the programme.

You might think that, seeing as the pole is of no use whatsoever, competitors might wish to discard it and make the jump unassisted. Well, I can tell you that such a move is strictly forbidden and any athlete who does not make full use of the pole will be disqualified. I can also tell you that so far no one has made a successful jump - many of the competitors are wandering around in confusion and the word is that the Olympic Committee are unlikely to feature this event in any future games.

On now to the Fully Integrated Goat Milking System, so let's hear from Connie Poot in the arena.

Fully Integrated Goat Milking System

Nothing to report yet from the Fully Integrated Goat Milking System event, but rest assured we're here to give you blow by blow coverage the moment anything happens.

Looking forward to it. Colin Bubbles now has the very latest from the reading a book in the bath event.

Reading a Book in the Bath

I'm sure it will come as no surprise to many followers of competitive bath-book reading that Colin 'Soapy' McAlister has once more cleaned up in this event. His consistent, methodical reading of the set texts, although never flashy, nevertheless gets the job done. At one point it looked like Bruce Montgomery might give him a run for his money, but the twat chose Moby Dick for the freestyle event, got into trouble round about chapter four and had to be rescued by frogmen.

Lovely, lovely. Well, the word is that there have been some unusual developments at the fairground shooting range. Roly Coconut has the details.

Fairground Shooting Range

Hi there. And can I just say a quick hello to my sister in Bournemouth. Now, as you know, the fairground shooting range is usually quite a sedate event. The competitors take turns to shoot at the little wooden ducks as they're winched steadily along. All very sedate, all very predictable, all very dull. Until this year, that is, when the American contestant, Bernie Cheeseburger, chose to exploit a loophole in the rules and bring his own gun. This is not something that is outlawed in this sport, and indeed it has happened before, but it is widely felt that his decision to use a submachine gun goes against the spirit of the competition. The event has now been put on hold while the shooting range is being rebuilt so that other people can have a go.

We've heard some exciting things from the long-distance telephoning event. Dylan Cable tells us more.

Long-Distance Telephoning

Yes, we've seen some fantastic telephony here. This year's competitors are real top-class telephonists, and the telephonic skills on display here in the telephonium are second to none. Some minor incidents have slightly marred the day - Mexico's Sanchez broke a finger while dialling and Redfearn, the promising young Canadian, somehow managed to get the mouthpiece wedged in his ear - but despite this, it has been a morning of truly excellent telephonimation.

I'm sure what most of you are waiting to hear about are the gardening events. Percy Mulch speaks to us now from the allotment.

Gardening

Now, many people have expressed some concern about the speed pruning event, following last night's unseasonal frost. However, if conditions were rather brittle this morning, it certainly didn't deter the competitors and we've seen some excellent precision snipping. Likewise, the formation strimming heats demonstrated gardening at its very best. Later today, we are expecting to see some magnificent displays of uphill rotary mowing, and then there is the thrill and excitement of the two-man trowel to look forward to. And remember to get your sprouts in early this season.

Just time to tell you that the pinning the tail on the donkey event, featuring a real donkey, has been cancelled due to animal welfare concerns, but there's still plenty more to come. Join us this afternoon for 400m puddle jumping, freestyle Nordic dancing, alpine cross-stitch and horsey-horsey-trot-trot. Until then, let's take another look at Bertrand Hulot's remarkable performance in the 17-piece earthenware tea set-hurling semi-finals. Good grief, look at the right arm on that feller!

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
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