Some people you have never heard of...

Montgomery Splinters

Celebrated cavalryman who fought at the Battle of Trafalgar, showing considerable courage until his horse sank. Later became an MP, and introduced a bill legalising the sale of individual sausages - previously they had only been available for purchase in packs of eight.

Julia Everet-Sideboard

First person to complete a solo climb of Glastonbury Tor in 1953. Not a difficult ascent, and plenty of people had strolled up there before, it's just that, as luck would have it, she was the first person to have headed up there on her own.

Findus Permanganate

Inventor of the choc ice, which changed the face of frozen dairy produce forever. Also invented raspberry sandals, which didn't.

Ibrahim Munch

Nineteenth century music hall artist who is widely credited with the invention of the human cannonball, and narrowly missed Queen Victoria during a Royal Command Performance in 1878. He is commemorated on postage stamps in Mauritius. Nobody knows why.

Archie Mastodon

Sometimes cited as the godfather of modern chemistry, which is incorrect. More often called the godfather of three-year-old Sally Pastanaker of Melton Mowbray, for which claim there exists more convincing evidence.

Badman Truelove

In 1973 one man spent sixteen hours standing on one leg in the middle of Piccadilly Circus. That man was Badman Truelove. Today he lives on the Isle of Wight, but rarely speaks of the incident.

Katya Van Marbles

You won't have heard the name, but you will most certainly have seen the face. Katya's likeness has been used for eighty percent of all the shop window dummies manufactured in the world since 1983. Her bland, almost featureless appearance made her the perfect model, and she was smart enough to negotiate a royalty on every mannequin sold. Now retired, she lives in luxury in Monte Carlo, where she collects antique fans - but you don't really need to know that.

Dame Daphne Oxcart

Dull people who memorise long lists of facts in order to win pub quizzes will know that Daphne Oxcart won Gold in the javelin throw at the Montreal Olympics in 1976. That's not why she was made a dame - back in those days you had to do a hell of a lot more than chucking sticks about in order to get on the New Year Honours list. She was actually awarded the title for catching a Soviet submarine while on a fishing trip to Lake Windemere. She had it stuffed and mounted, and if you're interested you can see it on display in a museum in Keswick.

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2022
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