What did you do today? I lay on the floor in a home for anxious cats, listening to disturbed moggies playing table tennis in an adjacent room. Ha! I win.
I realised that now - while the cats were busy thrashing the living daylights out of a harmless ping pong ball - was the perfect time for me to skulk about the place looking for evidence of my sandwich. Trouble was, I was awfully comfortable. Not that the floor was a particularly pleasant place to be, it's just that there are moments of stillness like that when you just want to lie back and let it all wash over you. Especially if you'd had a hard time of it lately, which is what I'd had.
All the same, I couldn't stay there forever, so I got to my feet, put my trousers back on and went to the door. Good, the coast was clear. The previous night I had heard plinky grobulating sounds coming from somewhere down below, so I found a staircase that was heading in a downwards direction and I descended. I went down it on my bottom because that is more fun - you've got to make the most of these moments of pleasure when you find them. When I got to the bottom - the bottom of the staircase, that is, not my own bottom - I entered a dark, windowless room. So I put the light on, obviously. There was a long table and along the far wall was an illuminated map of the world, with various sites of strategic military importance marked on it.
A chair at the far end of the room spun around and Mr Scratcher was sitting there, stroking a cat on his lap. "Ah, I see you have discovered our little secret," he said. It would have been quite a chilling moment, had the cat not jumped off his lap and sat on the table licking its bum hole.