My Wardrobe

...Just been on the phone complaining after buying a self-assembly wardrobe. Spent all last weekend putting the pissing thing together - a bit wonky but thought it would do. So I open it the next morning, reach inside and what do you know - there's no back in the damn thing! Not only that, but it's snowing and some daft tart starts offering me Turkish delight. You don't want that first thing in the morning. And that wasn't the end of it. All week I've had to put up with talking badgers, bleeding wolves and some sort of elves or goblins or some such shit. On Tuesday I found a faun wearing my best jacket, and I don't even know what a fucking faun is. Well, I've had enough. I'm taking it back to the store tomorrow and I'm going to get my money back. I'm sick of constantly being turned to stone every time I reach in to get a shirt. I'm sick of next door's kids always running in and out, banging on about having 'adventures'. And I am really, really, really sick and tired of putting my shoes on every morning and finding that they're full of lion shit. I don't know what this country is coming to, I don't, I don't, I really don't...

The Annual 2017

FREE Download

Or read it online here.

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2015 The UBO Annual 2016 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

Promo Image

The Cake Escape

Power tools hidden in confectionery.

Promo Image

Cracking the Cheese Genome

Final proof of the existence of cheese

Promo Image

Mind Your Wind

The enemy is listening for your flatulence. Watch your emissions.

Promo Image

Empire of the Flowers

Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag

Promo Image

Sandals

The church bans the wearing of sandals

Promo Image

*@%£!

Can machines swear?

 

Standard British NunsTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

Latest blog entries...