The Argentinian Snoring Fish

There is a newly identified threat to marine life in the South Atlantic. The Argentinian snoring fish is a species relatively new to science and for a while it was believed to be fairly rare. But for some reason not presently understood, populations have been steadily increasing and now it has become apparent that its snoring is keeping other fish awake.

"Well, you see the Argentinian snoring fish is a truly wonderful example of the magical and wonderful diversity of nature," said marine biologist Dr Heinrich Crabs. "Its magical and wonderful habit of snoring in its sleep is unique amongst the animals of the ocean, and is all part of the wonderful and magical tableau of Mother Nature."

Wonderful and magical it may be, but the fish's nocturnal snorting is causing sleepless nights for the other inhabitants of the ocean, resulting in grumpy tuna, groggy dolphins and octopuses that are too exhausted to be allowed behind the wheel. How does Dr Crabs react to this problem?

"Well, of course, the octopussies are not allowed to drive, although if they were this would all be part of the wonderful and rich magic of the kingdom of the deep," he told us. "But I am taking your point. Sleep deprivation is a big problem for the magical and wonderful creatures of the deep and the snoring fish is the main culprit. My own researches have led to some wonderful suggestions to the whole magical problem, but so far without the big success."

Dr Crabs' suggestions so far have included nasal strips (unsuccessful because, like most fish, the Argentinian snoring fish does not have a nose) , throat sprays (Dr Crabs has so far been unable to find a commercial throat spray that is effective under water) and using firmer pillows (fish don't use pillows - even Dr Crabs concedes that this idea is nuts).

"Right now we are experimenting with something different, which I hope will prove both magical and wonderful," Dr Crabs told us. "My cousin used to suffer with the snoring and he told me that he used the pyjama jacket with the tennis balls sown into it to force him to sleep on his side. This I am thinking is good because fish, I know, are very keen on the tennis. I am thinking that this is very magical and wonderful for all concerned, especially for the octopuses who at last will be able to concentrate enough to take a driving test. The only problem I am having right now is persuading the fishies to wear pyjamas, but I am confident that this is only a matter of time."

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