Cadets Injured in Pillow Outrage
The US Military has responded promptly following an incident in which 24 cadets were injured when a pillow-fighting exercise went badly wrong. Hand-to-hand combat using soft furnishings forms part of basic training for all military personnel, along with non-lethal Chinese burns and strategic hopscotch. Usually the training sessions pass without major incident but on this occasion the pillowcases had been loaded with 'live' pillows at the last moment, in what senior officers believe was a deliberate act.
"These were clearly enemy pillows designed to cause maximum damage and distress," said Looooootenant Hyrum P Hackenthackerbacker. "We believe that this was the vanguard of a wave of terrorist bedding directed at our country by the enemies of freedom. Well, I have a message for all those who oppose the American way of life: we're still here, we're still proud and it will take more than a bunch of goddam extremist interior designers switching our bedclothes around to bring us to our knees."
This has been the first incident of its kind since one recruit died after choking on a cushion in 1987, and the US is taking no chances. They have already banned the importation of all quilts with a tog rating of 10 or over and tomorrow the White House is expected to announce that it will bring forward the full deployment of the US Navy's fleet of laser-guided mattresses.