Simon Cocksure, an amateur inventor from Sutton Coldfield, has discovered that, when kept at a temperature of -5°C, pork sausages are an excellent electrical conductor.

Further tests have revealed that a 50% pork/beef mixture gives even better results.

Astounding discovery

Quite how Mr Cocksure came to make this astounding discovery is in itself something of a mystery. Sausages are not generally considered part of standard laboratory equipment, and their properties - electrical or otherwise - have been largely overlooked by many researchers.

Cocksure, however, believes that sausages may provide the key to creating a more energy-efficient branch of electrical engineering. Indeed, his belief is so strong that he has given up his job and invested his life savings in developing the new technology, converting his own ninteenth century semi-detatched cottage.

Great expense

At great expense, the amateur inventor has fitted specialist refrigeration equipment designed to keep the walls of his house at a constant temperature, installed a new generator and junction box capable of handling the increased loads, and replaced all of his wiring with sausages.

Now his lights don't work.