Stopping Distances

Being a brief illumination of the vexed question of how close
a Gentleman should get to a Lady?

One of the most important aspects of social intercourse concerns the tricky issue of proximity.

In other words, how close should a gentleman, fellow or 'bloke' get to a lady, and what sort of behaviour is appropriate at particular distances?

The following chart will help you to decide upon the correct etiquette to adopt at most social events, although it must be noted that this is only a rough guide, and must be modified according to different circumstances - e.g. depending on the formality of the occasion, the relationship of the individual parties, and how wet it is.

Over Half a mile

At this sort of range any kind of social intercourse is extremely tricky. Many people consider shouting over such distances, but this is not only a strain on the vocal chords, it is also considered impolite by most modern social commentators. If there is a clear line of sight then a system of semaphore may be employed, but only if the two parties have been formally introduced.

Half a mile - 100 feet

This is still quite a distance over which to carry out anything but the most perfunctory of conversations. A wave of the hand is usually all that I would recommend, although it is quite acceptable to converse on such general topics as the weather or the lavishness of the venue, by means of hand signals, pointing and exaggerated facial expressions.

100 - 10 feet

We're looking now at the possibility of sustaining a viable level of polite conversation. Suitable topics may include the flat racing season, the Royal Family or the keeping of tropical fish. Enquiries after the health of the lady's family are considered polite, but a gentleman should avoid entering into too much detail regarding embarrassing boils, dietary conditions and congenital defects.

10 - 5 feet

Conversation at these sort of ranges can cover subjects of a more personal nature. A gentleman might, for instance, choose to compliment a lady on the suitability of her hat, the bouquet of her perfume or the size of her tits. Some ogling and embarrassed giggling is also allowed, but drooling should be kept to a minimum.

5-1 feet

Oh yes! Nearly there. We are now in a region where actual physical contact is a distinct possibility - the ideal distance, in fact, for some formal stroking to take place. Take heed, however, that downstairs contact is not necessarily a given and a gentleman must remember that this is also the ideal distance for the administration of retaliatory slappage.

0 feet

Ground Zero - wheyheyhey! At this range the exchange of bodily fluids would seem almost inevitable. However, there is always the danger that by the time the gentleman has reached this point, the lady will have already left. Hey ho, such is life.