Archive 2

French Polishers

"There was something about the heady aroma of the polish and the dusty atmosphere of the shop that I found simply intoxicating..."

DIY Olympics

"Victory for the British DIY Olympic squad who return home with an impressive six gold medals..."

Earwax

"There was excitement on the stock exchange yesterday when it was announced that Transglobular Mining PLC had discovered significant quantities of earwax in Mr Harry Frome of 43 Litchfield Lane, Liverpool..."

Hitman Clown

"Last week saw the conviction of Coco Corelli, the former circus clown whose secret life as an international hitman turned him into one of the world's most notorious criminals..."

Zebra Scanner

"Wildlife experts in Kenya have come up with a barcode scanner that can read zebras..."

Getaway Driver

"Martin 'Leadfoot' Gunner boasts that he is one of the fastest getaway drivers in the world..."

Mexico's Magnificently Massive Maracas

"The good people of the village of Guacamole in Mexico have once again made it into the record books..."

RAF Discontinues Use of Sticky Tape

"The RAF have recently stopped using sticky tape to stop pilots falling out of their planes..."

Monsters

"A recent report released by the Home Office reveals a dramatic increase in the number of people being attacked by monsters..."

The Nobel Flap Award

"It has come as no surprise that this year's coveted Nobel Prize for Flaps has been awarded to Mr Michael Leverage..."

Fun Run

"Christian Pyle is suing Leicester City Council, organisers of a ten mile Fun Run, under the Trades Description Act..."

detangulator
Emergency Kebabs

"Entrepreneur Ryan Lockheart has recently been presented with a special award for his innovative new enterprise..."

Tuesdays

"Mrs Alice Sideways' Campaign for the Abolition of Tuesdays is gathering pace..."

Ice Lolly Skating

"Want to go ice skating on a hot summer's day? Want to feel the wind in your hair as you glide gracefully through the park on a blistering July afternoon?"

Doodle

"Tired of doing all your own doodling?"

The Chipwriter

"The Professor has taken the principal of potato printing to the next level by coming up with the 'chipwriter'..."

Mountain Range Requires Major Renovations

"It has recently come to light that the Alps are badly in need of repair..."

Shrewsbury Woman to be Demolished to Make Way for Flyover

"Our commiserations to Mr Alex Pollard of Shrewsbury, who has failed to prevent his local council from demolishing his wife..."

Police Crackdown on Agricultural Raves

"Farmers are calling for stricter laws after an increase in the number of illegal raves being held on farmland..."

The Chief Chip-Eater of Old Wrexham Town

"When 68 year old Bert Eggs retires from his post as Chief Chip-eater, the city of Wrexham is going to find it's got a bit of a problem..."

Pixie Guard
Celebrity Pizza Therapy

"The latest craze for the high-flying, celebrated and self-important elite is pizza therapy..."

Liposuction

"There are basically two schools of thought when it comes to the removal of excess fat..."

Venusian Elbow

"There is fresh interest following the publication of a photograph which purports to show an elbow on the surface of Venus..."

One-Sided Dice

"A designer of role playing games in Idaho has invented the world's first one-sided dice..."

Training Bacon Sandwiches for Fun and Profit

"Apprentice tool-setter Marcus Toll is the first person to successfully train a bacon sandwich..."

Navy Seeks Refund for Submarine

"The Royal Navy are sending their latest nuclear submarine, HMS Genocide, back to the shipyard in Humberside where it was built..."

Speed Dating

"Men and women are each introduced to a number of potential partners at speeds in excess of over 150 miles per hour..."

Beans

"Clyde Barrow, 46, claims that he can eat baked beans without first opening the tin..."

The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Caught by the Fuzz

"Of course, the police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment..."

Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up

"You're a miserable old sourpuss, who jolly well needs damn good kick up the bottom..."

Dobbins of Doncaster

"Quality Donkeys for Hire or Purchase..."

Rod and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Kitchen Olympics

"This year's Kitchen Appliance Olympics once again pushed forward the barriers of food preparation technology..."

Stopping Distances

"Being a brief illumination of the vexed question of how close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."

Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Sliding to the Post Office on a Raft of Beetroot

"...rectangle..."

Optimum Leaning Angles

"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."

Obvious Books
Jazz Bomb

"The sudden release of jazz particles would produce a phenomenal quantity of raw power...."

Shave the Moon

"I believe the nation should commit itself to landing a man on the moon, shaving it, and returning him safely to Earth..."

The Wackiest Person in the UK

"Each year this prestigious title is awarded to the person whose madcap antics most impress the judges..."

Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery

"What do you do when you find that your parrot's got jet lag, or the tortoise needs re-tiling...?"

10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs

"Frogs can jump ten times their own bodyweight..."

Crime Waves

"A report commissioned by the Home Office has revealed that for the year 2015/2016 the crime rate in the North Sea was practically zero..."

Drum and Bass

"Scientists conducting special experimental discos have concluded that drum and bass music is rubbish..."

The Moonbeam Fresh Air System

"Professor Jez Moonbeam has invented a new type of fan..."

Reinforced Lettuce

"Biochemists have developed a new titanium-reinforced lettuce..."

Bid to Reclassify Donkeys as Vegetables

"When George Faggot became a vegetarian six months ago - for tax reasons - he wasn't quite prepared for the self-discipline..."

Theft of Wisbech Exposed as Hoax

"Police in Cambridgeshire have called off a full scale search for the market town of Wisbech..."

How Mad Can a Mad Hatter Get?

"We're all familiar with the expression 'as mad as a hatter', but has anyone ever really looked into the whole hatter/madness thing?"

Nail-It

"Your complete security solution..."

Medieval Castles May Have Been Ineffective Strongholds

"Mr Chokice has noted that the main entrance is only protected by a turnstile..."

Cathedral Root System Undermines Buildings

"There are concerns for the future of Salisbury Cathedral after recent survey work revealed that its foundations are undermining surrounding buildings..."

The Reluctant Pianist

"Tonight the spotlight belongs to one of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."

Bing Crosby Boxing
Detective Inspector Barker Harris

"I'm Detective Inspector Barker Harris of the Metropolitan Police Force, but you can call me Snuggles..."

Invitation to a Monks' Tea Party

"Rumpleford Abbey is dedicated to St Jemima of the Holy Rock, the patron saint of gravel..."

Obvious Records
Pirates

"Could you spare just three doubloons a day to support a helpless pirate?..."

Noblock and Kerfanderbuck

"The fenny bentleys all dropped dead..."

Ello Ello Ello, Wot's All This Then?
Diagnosis

"Good evening, and welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."

Fatquake

"Mr Buddy Vats, the world's fattest man, suffered a fatal earthquake in the early hours of the morning..."

Comfy Dinners
Teaching Carrots to Fly

The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.

Wensleydale

"At the time of my visit the caverns were closed to the public for their annual hosing down..."

Gentlemen's Etiquette

"A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress..."

Poot
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