The University of the Bleeding Obvious: Emergency Clown Service Catalogue

Here at Happysmiles! we're proud to be able to offer some of the best fools, jesters and buffoons currently working in the industry today.

Here is just a brief selection from our comprehensive selection of professional idiots.

Mr Henry Tiverton, Cardiff

Mr Tiverton has been a full-time clown for over thirty years now. Trained at the Brixton Centre of Lunatic Arts, he has perfected his art throughout a varied career, having worked for such firms as Bletchly's International Clownery PLC, Madcap Mabel's Moron Services and Microsoft. He has also acted as special advisor on a number of film productions, including Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes.

Mr John Rivers, Walton-on-Thames

Mr Rivers is a part time lecturer on clownery at Lancaster University, where his popular 'monkey' routine is a favourite with students and fellow lecturers alike. The author of a number of popular books on the subject, including the seminal Why the Long Face: A History of European Goonery, he is perhaps the most high profile clown currently at work in Britain today. His profile was further heightened by recent scandal after he tried to insert a marrow up the Duke of Cumberland during a private party. The case is still pending.

Mr A. A. Spencer, Slough

A qualified chartered accountant, 42 year old Mr Spencer has only entered the world of clowning relatively recently. Nevertheless, despite his lack of experience he has displayed a natural affinity for wacky visual humour and an enviable sense of comic timing. His specialities include the classic 'wallpapering' routine, stuffing weasels down his trousers and double entry bookkeeping. He is very clean.

Mrs Gillian Womble, Hereford

Mrs Womble is unique in being the only clown anywhere in the world who runs on solar power. Funded by a grant from the European Energy Commission, she has been developed as part of a programme to investigate the feasibility of a clown industry operating exclusively on renewable energy sources. There have been one or two teething problems but, by and large, the results have been most satisfactory. As a direct result of this experiment the European Union has introduced legislation to cut clown emissions by some 80% by the year 2010.

Sir Cardew McAlester, London

During his forty or so years serving as a High Court judge, Sir Cardew McAlester had ample opportunity to perfect his own unique clowning technique. When he took the plunge and decided to become a professional poltroon, Sir Cardew took to the career change like a duck to tarmac. His boorish manner alienated children and a strict insistence on discipline ensured that there were tears at many a birthday party. Nevertheless, he has become a surprise hit with parents, chiefly due to his habit of sentencing their children to long stretches in correctional facilities.