Kratopocktoff Red

A Russian Cheese developed by Stalin in the latter days of WWII and used mainly in hand-to-hand combat. Close proximity to the cheese can blind and even kill. The cheese was banned by Article 12 of the Geneva Convention, although specimins are still held in certain laboratories under special licence.

Knocktaki

A rich creamy cheese used by the Appalooki Indians to ward over to evil smells. Often served with tomato and small fried insects.

Troppo Bongo

A fruity cheese based on a recipe developed by Spannish Pirates in the 15th Century. Tastes like shit.

Rikeey

A creamy Cheddar variant developed specially for a 1993 episode of EastEnders.

Nepalese Snow Ferret

A small shrew-like creature that spends its time leaping between peaks in the mountainous terrain of Nepal. Not really a cheese as such, but a big hit with Ferret lovers everywhere.

Ungermangopoko

A mythical and mysterious cheese said to inhabit the darkest interior of the Amazon basin. Many local tribes speak of a large creamy yellow beast with throbbing purple veins, which preys on fruit and small dogs, often dragging them off into the jungle, still screaming. The sound of a mango in pain is a terrible noise to behold, hence the name, which in the local parlance means 'Hey this cheese makes mangoes holler like a stuck pig'.

Ikkywawa Blue

'Look Cheese!' yelled Captain Cook in 1742 upon discovering a whole island made of a hard, slightly limey cheese which he named after a Polynesian prostitute. Sadly his ship struck the cheese and sank, and all hands were lost. Still a popular cheese with the holiday makers who come here each year.

Map supplied by the Wolverhampton Institute of Obscure Dairy Produce.

Some of the cheeses detailed above may be entirely fictitious.